The world’s oldest democracy, and its main avatar, Uncle Sam, may be dead by 2020.
NYC — America, the world’s oldest democracy, announced via Uncle Sam today that it was too aged and weak to defend itself any longer.
“Can’t do it any more, I’m afraid,” the old fella gasped. “Trump, Paul Ryan and the Republicans in Congress are just too much for me. I doubt I’ll make it past 2020.”
“Uncle Sam,” as he is affectionately known, was born in 1776, but since the end of World War II has aged rapidly.
Experts who have learned from the past and do not wish to relive it, say his condition is “a sickness unto death.”
Coughing, the old codger spelled out the chief threats to his existence. Nearby, the Statue of Liberty, his companion for many years, sobbed quietly.
“Above all, Donald J.Trump,” he said, lifting a bony forefinger. “The banality of evil, the essence of ignorance, the blackest hole in a cosmos of darkness and stupidity!
“I can’t survive that,” he said. “No democracy can, nor ever has.”
Uncle Sam coughed violently. “For years I thought the Constitution would protect me. And it did, for over 200 years, even after the Civil War and Lincoln’s assassination.
“But finally the fascists figured it out. Fix the vote. Gerrymander the districts. Buy off the politicians. Keep liberals and centrists off the Supreme and other courts. And then whatever you do is legal.
“I call it Democratic Fascism,” he said.
Trembling, one of the world’s most beloved historical figures turned his face to the wall, perhaps for the final time.
“Did you know” he said faintly, “that I was once thought of as humanity’s last, best hope? Who will speak for freedom now?”
A deep cry came from the Statue of Liberty. Her torch went out.
