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The Automobile Club reported gasoline prices hit a new record high Monday. The West Coast is hardest hit. Gasoline is so expensive in Los Angeles that drunks who drive their cars off the cliffs of Mulholland Drive have been forced to carpool.

Universal Studios announced Monday it bought the Weather Channel. It's to help their theme parks. Universal is going to use all the Weather Channel's footage from the last month to create a new ride called It's a Small World and It's Coming to an End.

President Bush met with Russia's new president Dmitry Medvedev in Japan Monday and later called him a smart guy during his daily press conference. The two presidents are already fast friends. They met in the slow reading circle at the Group of Eight Summit.

Methodist Church officials meet in Dallas next week to decide whether to permit President Bush's library at SMU. Church opposition to his decision to invade Iraq is a reality. The White House answered by calling for new alternative sources of reality.

John McCain spent the Fourth of July weekend with a speech coach, which he badly needed. Barack Obama presents himself as the man with the energy, the talent and the judgment, while John McCain presents himself as the white guy. It's a complete toss-up.

Time magazine ran an article on John McCain Monday saying how much the candidate enjoys shooting craps at Las Vegas casinos. He loves the action and the risks and the screams of the crowd. It's the only thing that can replace the thrill of bombing a city.

GOP conservatives promised Monday to stage a full-fledged fight over the party platform at the GOP convention this fall. President Bush's name is on ninety out of a hundred pages of the current platform. That's not a current platform, that's a diving platform.

Condoleezza Rice met Poland's foreign minister Monday to try to get him to host the U.S. missile defense system. Dick Cheney tried but couldn't get anywhere with the Poles. Once you have survived Hitler and Stalin, fending off Dick Cheney is just batting practice.

Dan Quayle met with reporters Tuesday to promote his celebrity golf tournament at Lake Tahoe Friday. He was a real pioneer in his way. Just like Jackie Robinson paved the way for Hank Aaron, Dan Quayle jokes paved the way for President Bush jokes.

Alex Rodriguez was recruited by Madonna to join Kabbalah Saturday. They study ancient Hebrew texts which believers claim have all the answers to the universe. It's a mystical cult for celebrities whose publicists won't let them be Scientologists.

Christie Brinkley's husband said at their divorce trial last week that he had sex with himself while standing in front of his Internet web cam. It's shocking. He's either a total sex addict or the auditions for America's Got Talent have gone too far.

President Bush gave a speech at Thomas Jefferson's estate on July Fourth to greet new citizens. The two presidents have a lot in common. Thomas Jefferson declared independence from Great Britain and George W. Bush declared dependence on Saudi Arabia.

©2008 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.

Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country. Check out his website.