Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Chris Rock and Will Smith, the first time the two have appeared together since the Academy Awards.
ANNOUNCER
From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? It sure is. Today on the show my guests are Chris Rock and Will Smith.
CHRIS ROCK
I’m a bigger star now than ever. All because I was slapped across the face by brother Will at the Academy Awards.
WILL SMITH
It’s not the first time, Chris. I heard your mother slapped your face after you were born.
CHRIS
Not true. The doctor slapped her for having me.
JERRY
Will. What were you thinking? The whole world was watching the Academy Awards. And you won Best Actor for your portrayal of Richard Williams in King Richard.
WILL
Well. My wife Jada has alopecia areata. Hair loss, man. I feel bad. Chris cracked a joke that she was a bald trainee in the film G.I. Jane 2. That pissed me off.
JERRY
Big deal. Her head looks like a bowling ball. So out of guilt, you two lovebirds swap partners to make yourselves feel better. Your home is like Sodom and Gomorrah.
CHRIS
Yeah. Bill Cosby’s fantasy. The other night my girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby’s book, but it put her to sleep.
JERRY
Will. You won your first Academy Award for your portrayal of Richard Smith. The father of tennis stars Serena and Venus Williams. What attracted you to the role?
WILL
Like Richard, I’m street. Come from the hood in West Philly. I was so bad in high school that when I graduated my diploma said Was Smith. Richard is me, bro. We share the same brain.
CHRIS
Hey, Will. I got my GED. Good Enough Diploma. I challenge you to a match on Celebrity Jeopardy.
WILL
I’m not fluent in IDIOT. Pass.
JERRY
Chris. For those listeners that haven’t heard my previous interview, how did you become a comedian?
CHRIS
In 1984, I started doing stand up at Catch A Rising Star. Eddie Murphy saw my act and became my mentor. Even got me a gig in one of his movies. Eddie and I were so close that he shared a dark secret.
JERRY
Tell my audience again.
CHRIS
Well, okay. Eddie told me that he couldn’t figure out which of the Spice Girls he wanted to impregnate.
JERRY
Eddie makes about as much sense as Dr. Oz.
CHRIS
I’m amazing, man. I’ve done HBO specials, played clubs. And produced the successful TV series Everybody Hates Chris. Not some wimpy show like Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Jerry and Chris laugh.
WILL
Watch your face, Duncan. The hand is quicker than the eye.
CHRIS
Be careful, Jerry. Will likes slapstick.
JERRY
Comedians are getting attacked on stage. You, Chris were at the Academy Awards. Your friend Dave Chappelle was performing at the Hollywood Bowl.
CHRIS
Are the jokes getting worse or am I bad luck? I was at the Hollywood Bowl when that happened. Some sick guy charged Dave with a knife and fake gun. Man, I thought it was Will Smith.
WILL
Douchebag. I was chillin at home.
CHRIS
Nah. It was you. There were “fresh prints” found at the crime scene.
WILL
You’ll hear from my lawyer. How dare you accuse me of a crime?
JERRY
What about that, Chris?
CHRIS
I’m an expert on crime. I was raised in Brooklyn. One day, I forgot my key in the house and the burglar had to let me in. If that wasn’t bad enough, he stole an old lamp. I was “delighted.”
WILL
Gotta go, Duncan. New film to shoot tomorrow.
JERRY
Hey, Will. What has 27 actors, 3 settings, 2 writers and no plot?
WILL
No clue.
JERRY
560 Hallmark movies. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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