Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about protesting outside Supreme Court Justices’ houses, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

People protesting outside Brett Kavanaugh’s house

… or, they heard there’s a kegger!

Sweden hasn’t gone to war since Napoleon was alive, but Russia has it preparing for another one

Biden: I stood with Sweden then, I stand with them now.

Judge arrested after assaulting her ex-husband in front of their children

Amber Heard’s a judge?

Analysis: Dinesh D’Souza’s ‘2000 Mules’ offers the least-convincing election-fraud theory yet

2,000 mules? 2001, if you count the Jackass who made it.

Susan Collins called police over a chalk drawing asking her to ‘please’ support abortion rights

How long before Jussie Smollett has two guys write a threatening remark on his sidewalk in chalk?

Twitter’s spam/bot boilerplate, which Elon Musk says he’s paused deal over, goes back nearly a decade

Elon’s concerned about Twitter bots and spam? C’mon, like he believed 82 million people loved him for who he is.

Ray J says Kim K sex tape ‘leak’ was deal between couple & Kris Jenner

Or, as it’s also known, the pilot for ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians.’

Happy 62nd Birthday, Bono

Now the thing he hasn’t found that he’s looking for are his eyeglasses sitting on the top of his head.

Charles Herbster, the Trump-backed candidate who is accused of groping 8 women lost

Too bad because one more and he gets a free order of fries and a medium drink at ‘Feel A Chick-fil-A.’

Delta rewrites statement that called COVID-19 ‘ordinary seasonal virus’

… To emphasis the point, they’re changing their name to Omicron Airlines.

Melania Trump slams Vogue for not putting her on the cover

Maybe …. if they had a centerfold.

Will & Jada are ‘trying to salvage’ their relationship post-Oscars slap—they’ve had ‘problems for years’

Let’s face it, Will and Jada are now the worst Mr. and Mrs. Smith since Brad and Angelina broke up.

Victoria’s Secret has hired its first male model. He ‘could not be more stoked about it’

Now we’re talking a gender reveal party!

Judge ‘surprised’ at Trump claim he has no documents sought in probe

… no word if he literally ate his own words …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)