Sightings: It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's a What?

A growing number of alleged sightings of unidentified flying objects has got Americans curious about what’s out there.

There has been a growing number of alleged sightings of unidentified flying objects (UFOs) now called unidentified aerial phenomena (UAP).

Many of these sightings have been made by military personnel. And in a recent poll, over half of Americans say that they believe that the UAP reported by the military are likely evidence of intelligent alien life that have been entering our atmosphere illegally.

So, this week the House Intelligence Committee heard testimony from defense officials on reports of UAP and the risks they may pose to national security.

The Committee found that the UAP might be alien spacecraft, or maybe not, and they may be a risk to national security, but nobody knows. More research needs to be done on the subject. Republicans on the committee, who first claimed this was just another witch hunt, later suggested that there may be information on alien incursions on Hunter Biden’s laptop and on a server which unfortunately is in Ukraine.

Former President Trump also weighed in saying, “If aliens are here, they will disappear one day. It will be like a miracle. They will disappear from our sky. The situation could get worse before it gets better. They could go away. We’ll see what happens. Nobody really knows.”

Well, I’m not taking off my tin foil hat until I know if they are coming and if they are a danger to humanity. The late physicist Stephen Hawking once said, “If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which did not turn out well for the Native Americans.” I interpret this to mean that humanity would be in for a horrible time, but at least we can expect that the invaders will eventually let us run the casinos.

Democrats on the committee were, however, not terribly concerned about aliens from outer space coming to the U.S., as they would be intelligent life forms who would therefore likely vote Democratic.

The idea that Democrats would welcome these beings caused some on the right to suggest that this is a new wrinkle in the Great Replacement Theory. And that the elite are trying to replace hard working Americans with space aliens as well as with the current illegal aliens.

My fear is that these little green men could turn out to be GREEN SUPREMACISTS who will not just replace us, they may want to annihilate us. At a minimum they probably would make us their slaves. Note: school children reading this will please disregard the last sentence.

To alleviate my anxiety about an incursion by little green men I called my favorite space alien, E.T. Here is a transcript of our perfect call:

Me: There have been a lot of sightings of what we think are alien spacecraft in our atmosphere. Can you explain?

ET: Oh, that is nothing for you to worry about. It’s just some of our young males flying around and showing off our technology which is far more advanced than yours.

Me: You are not planning to invade Earth?

ET: No, we are very nice beings. We are almost as polite as the ones you call Canadians. And we are actually afraid of most Earthlings, especially the Americans. They all have guns.

ME: Then you won’t be abducting and probing any of us either?

ET: No, on the contrary we fear that you will do that to us. We have been observing the human named Gaetz. We have nightmares that he will abduct one of us, carry us across state lines and commit acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits discussing them here. That’s why we, for the most part, stay hidden when we visit your planet.

Me: A lot of humans share that concern. Ok, so you have no plans to harm our planet.

ET: No, I admit that we did think about invading Earth years ago but now you have climate change, tornadoes, wildfires, Fox News, COVID (we are very susceptible to the earthling diseases, and many aliens are anti-vaxxers) and now there is that monkeypox thing. Why would we want your planet? You’ve trashed it.

Me: Thanks for your candid remarks. I feel better.

So, there you have it. There ARE little green men flying around our planet, but they no longer mean us any harm. Who knew that climate change and COVID would actually help save our planet?

Next week the House Intelligence Committee will hear testimony on the existence of Bigfoot.

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JC Wade

J. Wade is a retired Chief Financial Officer from Missouri. He has had humor articles published in the Humor Times, USA Today, The Journal of Irreproducible Results and Unhinged Magazine, which is now defunct (not his fault).