Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Amber Heard and Johnny Depp, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Amber Heard, Johnny Depp — Amber Heard and Johnny Depp face off in court.

Amber Heard cross-examined about fights with Johnny Depp

Depp and Heard sound like they met on OKStupid.

Arizona GOP Senate candidate calls for condoms to be banned in all states

No word if that includes the USC Trojans changing their name to the Rhythm Methods.

Tesla stock drop wipes out $126 billion in one day

Tesla stock is crashing like it’s on autopilot.

Howard Dean wants Rupert Murdoch to be deported

Dean: And we’re talking to South Australia and Victoria and Tasmania and Queensland. Yeah!!!

Bill Gates said it’s ‘tragic’ if a conspiracy theory about him putting tracking microchips in COVID-19 vaccines is driving people to not get vaccinated

… When we all know it’s really Bezos.

BREAKING: Spain reports 7 new cases and Portugal reports 9 new cases of monkeypox

Could we just skip to the locust already?

Former Marine who kicked officer on Jan. 6 sentenced to more than 2 years in prison

In fairness, he was just trying to get back with his tour group.

Madison Cawthorn lost his primary

…. to go with his mind.

August Alsina CASHING IN . . . Plans to write a ‘tell-all book’ about what Jada does IN BED

Apparently, he had more than Will Smith’s wife’s name in his mouth.

At least 10 dead in mass shooting at Buffalo supermarket

Another mass shooting … America doesn’t need a wall to show where its borders are, it needs crime scene tape!

Lorne Michaels considering ‘SNL’ retirement: “A really good time to leave”

Good chance he runs off with Pete Davidson.

Sweden announces intent to join NATO

Putting the pieces together could take a bit if it involves IKEA.

C-SPAN host calmly cuts off on-air caller for referring to Asian and Black guests as ‘colored people’

… Yeah, but did they answer Stephen Miller’s question? …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)