Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Wasilla Car Wash owner Dallas Preston.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Dallas Preston, owner of the Wasilla Car Wash.
DALLAS PRESTON
Hi Jerry.
JERRY
I hear the Wasilla Car Wash is the busiest place in town.
DALLAS
Oh, ya. We run a special every Tuesday. Brings in lots of business.
JERRY
How?
DALLAS
I do somethin different than my competition. We wash the cars in the river. No need to waste water.
JERRY
Wait a second. It ruins the car.
DALLAS
Oops. No wonder my accountant said we’re under water.
JERRY
C’mon, Dallas. You’re retirement age. Call it quits. You must have a bucket list.
DALLAS
Yep. Pail, mop bucket, ice bucket and car washin bucket. Reached all my goals. Ya know, Jerry. If I close the business, my competition will price gouge. They’re Republicans. No bottom line for them folks.
JERRY
Republicans are like porn stars. They’re good at switching positions in front of a camera. Speaking of Repubs, I understand you are a cousin to Texas Governor Greg Abbott.
DALLAS
Yeah. Our family is a bunch of inbreds. First cousins marrying first cousins. That sort of thing. In fact, my Texas family loves sandwiches because they are inbred.
A call comes into the show.
TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT
Hey, Partner. Why are you listening to that idiot Dallas? Our families aren’t inbreds. They’re morons.
JERRY
I stand corrected. And you are the smartest moron.
ABBOTT
Thank you.
JERRY
Let’s look at your tenure in Texas politics.
ABBOTT
Yippee ki yo ki yay.
JERRY
You were a member of the Texas Supreme Court from 1996-2001. While Texas Attorney General from 2002-15, you defended the state ban on same sex marriage.
ABBOTT
That’s right.
JERRY
I don’t recall voting on your marriage.
ABBOTT
You’re not a Texan.
JERRY
And you’re a space alien.
JERRY
You tried to invalidate the Affordable Care Act.
ABBOTT
Hell, yes. That’s money I need from insurance companies to fund my political campaigns.
JERRY
You want to ban abortion.
ABBOTT
Absolutely. My mom didn’t abort me. And look how I turned out?
JERRY
Hey, Gregster. What do you call a Mexican abortion?
ABBOTT
No clue.
JERRY
Adios embrios.
ABBOTT
Anything else Don Rickles?
JERRY
Yes. Guns.
ABBOTT
Everyone should own one. No questions asked. No restrictions.
JERRY
The facts under you Governorship since 2014. 22 people murdered at a busy Walmart in El Paso, Texas by a 21 year old with an assault rifle on October 10, 2019.
ABBOTT
We prayed for the families.
JERRY
That didn’t help.
JERRY
21 people murdered at Robb Elementary in Ulvalde, Texas on May 24, 2022 by an 18 year old with an assault rifle.
ABBOTT
Mental illness.
DALLAS
He’s lyin, Jerry. I dug up some facts while you two was talkin.
ABBOTT
I know everything.
DALLAS
Not this time, Freddy Krueger.
JERRY
Lay it out there, Dallas man.
DALLAS
Research from the American Psychological Association has shown that only a very small percentage of violent acts are connected by people who are diagnosed with, or in treatment for mental illness. That’s 1 in 99 shootings.
JERRY
There you go. What do you have to say, Gregster?
ABBOTT
Abababababa.
JERRY
After all the hell on your watch that you put the citizens of Texas through, you are running again for governor against former U.S. House representative Democrat Beta O’Rourke.
DALLAS
He’s an Irishman, ya know.
JERRY
Knock, knock.
DALLAS
Who’s there?
JERRY
Ireland.
DALLAS
Ireland who?
JERRY
Ireland you money if you promise to pay me back.
DALLAS
(laughs) That’s a good one, Jerry. I’m Dublin over with laughter.
JERRY
Dallas Preston and Governor Greg Abbott. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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