Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Kate McKinnon and Pete Davidson, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kate McKinnon, Pete Davidson — SNL: Kate McKinnon and gang leaving with Pete Davidson.

Saturday Night Live Shakeup: Kate McKinnon, Aidy Bryant, and Kyle Mooney Leaving Show with Pete Davidson

No surprise, everyone eventually leaves with Pete Davidson.

Canadian National Security begins preparations for the threat of American instability

What it’s like to be the upstairs neighbor to a crack house.

Elon Musk accused of sexual misconduct by a SpaceX flight attendant

So, look for its named to be changed to SpaceXXX.

President Joe Biden ‘covers’ BTS’ song ‘Butter’ on ‘The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

For Joe’s sake, when it has to do with anything about butter, I hope BTS is the good cholesterol….

MacKenzie Scott gives $123M to Big Brothers, Big Sisters

Tell her ex-husband to stick that in his giant rocket ship penis and launch it!

The liquid in Johnny Depp’s water bottle is yellow because it’s filled with a vitamin and energy supplement, source says

… or, as it’s also known a ‘screwdriver…’

Idris Elba reveals that he sold weed to Dave Chappelle before getting famous on ‘The Wire’

Word is, given the amount of weed Dave uses, taking ‘The Wire’ amounted to a pay cut for Idris.

Ted Cruz blamed ‘The Doors’ for the mass shooting

Apparently, ‘The Beach Boys’ all had alibis.

Onlyfans creator claims having sex with Meta employees led to unbanning of her Instagram account

Look for them to hook up on a site called ‘SitOnMyFaceBook.’

Shakira, 45, channels Jessica Rabbit at the Cannes Film Festival

Proving, hippity hops don’t lie. Hippity hops don’t lie. Hippity hops don’t lie.

Herschel Walker will be Georgia’s Republican Senate nominee

Unless, they can find a way to trade him to Minnesota for 10 State Legislators and a Lt. Governor candidate to be named later.

Britney Spears has announced that she lost her baby one month after revealing she was pregnant

… So, that means crime scene tape around her uterus.

Post Office Board now in position to remove DeJoy

… ‘Bout time, DeJoy tried to make the mail as slow as Eric Trump …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)