Gun Owners Demand Right to Marry Guns - Ralph Lombard, Humor Times

Claiming discrimination, gun owners demand the right to marry their guns, “or else.”

In a twist that gives new meaning to the term “shotgun wedding,” Second Amendment activists are now demanding the right to marry their guns. This comes after gun enthusiast Jack Ascot was denied a marriage license to wed his beloved AK-47.

“I was flabbergasted when I was told that I couldn’t marry my own gun,” he explained. “It was so emotionally devastating that I still have nightmares about it! I ran straight back home and spent the rest of the night crying and biting my pillow. It just makes me want to scream. Either that or kill someone. I mean, where’s the love?”

Gun rights activist Maximillian C. Slaughter agreed. “It seems downright un-American,” he complained, “After all, if girly-boys can marry each other why can’t gun owners marry their own guns? It’s so unfair! And it’s a proven fact that gun owners face a constant barrage of harassment and discrimination. Whenever we show even the slightest hint of affection towards our guns, with, say, a comforting caress or a gentle loving kiss, people look at us funny. What the hell’s their problem, anyway!? We just want to live our lives. Or else, if you know what I mean.”

The NRA has given it’s full support to the protestors, citing Second Amendment rights as well as positive economic benefits.

“Gun rights are fun rights,” insisted NRA spokeswoman Kaye Osterman, “and don’t forget that gun corporations are people too. It’s time for our guns to come out of the closet. There’s absolutely no reason people shouldn’t be able to marry their own guns and, like it says in the Bible, until death do they part, Case closed, end of discussion, checkersmate. And gun-wedding ceremonies would also help to stimulate local economies, with “Gunnymoon” resorts (an NRA registered trademark with available franchise opportunities) opening up all over the country. Hard-hit towns such as Columbine Colorado, Parkland Florida, Newtown Connecticut, Buffalo New York, and of course Uvalde Texas could finally catch a break and cash in on their notoriety! We just hope that we haven’t forgotten anyone, because the list seems almost endless.”

In a related development, Donald Trump has demanded the right to marry himself.

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Ralph Lombard

I was born a young baby. Then I grew up. Then I grew confused. Then I grew tired. I'm a 20th century man who's somehow been transported to the 21st century, with one foot in the gone past and the other in the here now. I started my blog mymanymoodsofme toward the end of 2012. There I write humorous essays, stories and poems (lyrics from my songs), in addition to my aphorisms. It's good work... if you get it. In my spare time I play chess, write songs, and reflect upon what I see. I'm very happy to be colluding with Humor Times, and hope you enjoy the result. Cheers!