Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Tom Cruise

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Hollywood superstar Tom Cruise.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. My mother refuses to talk to me. Today on the show my guest is Hollywood superstar Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise in "Top Gun Maverick" (2022). — Tom Cruise in “Top Gun Maverick” (2022).

JERRY

Hello Tom.

TOM CRUISE

Just a minute. I’m going to cough. Maybe you’ll get the coronavirus.

JERRY

You’re a riot, Tommy. Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t want to share it with you.

JERRY

Think about it. Do you know why you do your own movie stunts?

TOM

I have lots of balls?

JERRY

No, Tommy boy. Death is the only way out of Scientology.

TOM

You’re wrong, Jerry. I can’t die. I’m from Galactic Confederacy.

JERRY

(sarcastic) And I’m from Mars.

TOM

We’re practically neighbors.

JERRY

You’re a big star. Films like Risky Business, Top Gun, Rain Man, Born on the Fourth of July, Jerry McGuire, Mission Impossible.

TOM

And my newest film Top Gun: Maverick. Grossed $150 million at the box office opening weekend. I’m unbelievable.

JERRY

Hold on there. You have lots of skeletons in the closet. Three failed marriages.

TOM

Their loss.

JERRY

Mimi Rogers divorced you, because you wanted to become a monk.

TOM

True. I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but never got the chants.

JERRY

Nicole Kidman said there were irreconcilable differences.

TOM

Yup. I’m a Scientologist and she is normal.

JERRY

Katie Holmes wanted to protect your daughter Suri from Scientology.

TOM

Katie was jealous, because I’m from outer space and she’s from Toledo.

JERRY

In 2004, you said in an interview, “I think psychiatry should be outlawed.” Actress Brooke Shields was angered by the comment and went public against you.

TOM

We’re talking Brooke Shields. Whining about postpartum depression. I suggest she visit a Scientologist, not psychiatrist. They’re out of this world.

JERRY

Hey, Tom. What does a Scientologist and an almond have in common?

TOM

No clue.

JERRY

They’re both nuts.

JERRY

Tell me about your life growing up.

TOM

There were five of us. My parents and two sisters. My dad was a bully and coward. Couldn’t stand the man. Mom left him and remarried.

JERRY

Is he still alive?

TOM

Happily the dude is 6 feet under. The good thing is because of my horrible life growing up, I got into acting.

The conversation is interrupted by Jerry’s mom Maggie calling in from heaven.

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Jerry. What do you mean it’s a good day because I refuse to talk to you? Aren’t you glad you didn’t have Tom’s parents?

MAGGIE DUNCAN

Hi Tom.

MAGGIE

Knock, knock.

TOM

Who’s there?

MAGGIE

Not your parents.

JERRY

Sorry, Tom. My mother was suspended from heaven for the day.

TOM

Nice chatting with you, Maggie.

JERRY

May the bird of paradise poop on your head. Both of your heads. Tom Cruise and my mother everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.