Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Queen of England, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Elizabeth has been Queen of England for 70 years

…Five less than Elton John.

Amber Heard’s lawyer says ‘lopsided’ social media frenzy influenced jury, actor can’t pay over $10M in damages

Ironically, she’s going to be more underwater than Aquaman.

Biden says ‘you couldn’t buy cannons’ under Second Amendment

… Adding that at the time, he tried…

Delta Air Lines cancelled the most flights among major U.S. airlines

But, no worries, they promise your luggage will still be sent to an unknown location.

People who drink coffee every day are less likely to die early than non-coffee drinkers, research suggests

… it just seems faster…

Doc who sold Hydroxychloroquine early in the pandemic is going to prison for 30 days

When asked how many weeks that is, the Judge stomped his foot 4 times.

Rudy Giuliani was interrogated for 9 hours by the January 6 committee

Word is, he pled the fifth of Bourbon.

New Bills stadium is one of the worst deals for taxpayers ever

… Which is why they should now be called the Buffalo ‘Stick the Taxpayers with the Bills.’

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are officially in the UK and have reportedly been given police protection

Wouldn’t it be easier to just lock up Piers Morgan?

Clinton 2016 campaign lawyer acquitted of lying to the FBI

So, looks like Hilary pulled a Lucy on Special Prosecutor John Durham with the football.

37-years ago today Eddie Murphy released ‘Party All The Time’

Eddie’s getting to the age where it’s now: ‘Potty All The Time. Potty All The Time. Potty All The Time.’’

NOAA warns of ‘aggressive’ dolphin causing ‘concerns for human safety’ off Texas coast

So, that’s what Dan Marino’s been up to.

The Uvalde PD is no longer cooperating with the Texas Dept. of Public Safety’s investigation into Robb Elementary School shooting

Maybe they’re cooperating … anyone look in the hallway they might be there waiting?

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy was booed at a Trump rally

In fairness, he does have the word Minority in his job title.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)