Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Tesla, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tesla proactively recalling some Model 3s & Ys for brake inspection

So, the car is just like Elon, it just can’t stop itself.

Kyle Rittenhouse said he’s going to Texas A&M. The school says otherwise

Looks like Rittenhouse confused being admitted to Texas A&M with being at a Texas A & W.

Queen, Duran Duran, perform at Platinum Jubilee Concert

Not saying some of those rock stars who played at the Queen’s Jubilee have let themselves go, but the venue should’ve been called Fat Albert Hall.

Paris Hilton turned down the opportunity to DJ for President Joe Biden by choosing to attend Britney Spears’ Wedding

In fairness, there’ll always be Presidents, but Britney may only get married 3 or 4 times.

Man attacked by 7-foot alligator outside motel after mistaking it for a dog

No word if the alligator thought the man tasted like chicken.

Indicted Proud Boys members allegedly sent a slew of damning texts

The Proud Boys were never the same after Nick Carter went solo.

The Finnish government formally confirmed Finland will apply to join NATO

Or, as it’s also known NYETO.

Steve Bannon says the TV ratings for the J6 hearing were rigged

Sounds like Bannon’s pleading the fifth… of bourbon again.

Judy Garland would’ve turned 100 this month

Her birthday is one of the holiest days on the gay calendar, right up there with day of the Tony Awards.

Russia bans the already deceased John McCain, Harry Reid, and Orrin Hatch from entering Russia

… and up next, Amber Heard’s career.

Laura Ingraham says the reason for mass shootings is marijuana

Apparently, that’s known as the ‘Big Bong Theory.’

Boris Johnson dodges no confidence vote

No word if there was enough booze left to party at 10 Downing.

Skylar Grey — Hitmaker with Eminem, Rihanna, Dr. Dre — had to sell her songs to pay for her divorce

Big deal, Robin Thicke had to sell Marvin Gaye’s to pay for his…

Republican-controlled states have higher murder rates than Democratic ones: study

… Although, California still leads the nation in comedians getting slapped on Award Shows by movie stars …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)