Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Ava Raine, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Rock’s daughter Simone Johnson announced her wrestling name, Ava Raine

Personally, I think she should’ve gone with ‘Rockette.’

Space X axing people who sent memo criticizing Musk

Rumor is they’ll be gathered in a Space X rocket and let go in 4, 3, 2 …

The NFL announced that Little Caesars is now the new official pizza sponsor of the NFL, replacing Pizza Hut

Pizza Hut will now be known as Pizza No Hut, Hut, Hut.

Russia permanently banning nearly 1,000 Americans, including President Biden and Vice President Harris, from entering the country

No big deal for their talks … that table Putin sits at reaches out into Finland.

US Capital Police arrest man with fake badge, body armor & high capacity magazines

Damn, tourists.

Chris Rock mocks Amber Heard for pooping in Johnny Depp’s bed

No word if Johnny Depp then rushed at him and gave him a hug!

Herschel Walker, who has been a frequent critic of absentee fathers, acknowledged fathering three additional children he had not previously mentioned

Truth be told, that’s a lot of kids; maybe he can’t name them without them having on name tags.

Ryan Gosling is blond, tanned and toned in 1st-look photo as Ken in ‘Barbie’ movie

He’s also really proud of the decorating he did on Barbie’s Dream House.

Judge Jeanine worried that migrants entering the country could be alcoholics

In fairness, she does like to drink alone.

Triumph the Insult Comic arrested at the Capitol

His excuse is he’s dating the poodle on top of Rand Paul’s head.

Today marks the anniversary of the Watergate break in

Or, as it’s also known, the Nixon Memorial.

Tucker Carlson calling for Democrats to “de-escalate the rhetoric”

Tucker Carlson telling Dems to “de-escalate the rhetoric” is like Chris Christie telling people to go easy on the buffet.

Cambridges Moving to “The Big House” in Windsor

You’d think that would be more appropriate for Prince Andrew.

Richard Spencer disavowed white nationalism after being spotted on Bumble describing himself as a moderate, report says

… If he converts to Judaism, he’ll have replaced himself …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)