Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the 2022 NBA Draft, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Time for the 2022 NBA draft

Or, just another casting call for ‘The Kardashians on Hulu.’

Georgia investigators seek testimony from former Kanye West publicist who approached election worker

Hmmm, looks like soon Kanye’s gonna go from Ye to Flee!

Ted Cruz heckled at Texas GOP convention, called “coward” in viral video

…. Who let his wife in?

Biden falls off bike during Delaware ride

So what. if Stormy ain’t lying, Trump couldn’t ride a porn star for more than a minute, so good chance he ain’t staying on a bike!

Post Malone on smoking 40-45 cigarettes per day and whether he’s worried it’s hurting his voice

Yeah, like he’ll live long enough to find out.

Elon Musk’s son files to change gender, name to end relationship with father

Didn’t have that on my Elon Twitter bingo card.

Susan Collins’ ‘deep concerns’ mocked after Roe v. Wade overturning

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m sure Susan Collins learned her lesson this time….

No more Mr. Nice Guy: Tom Hanks drops F-bomb on fans who nearly toppled Rita Wilson

Life is like a box of chocolates, and sometimes you just have to say f**k it when there’s too many nuts.

Happy 80th Birthday, Sir Paul McCartney

That makes him 347 In Keith Richards years.

Latest Ginni Thomas controversy means the Supreme Court can’t escape the 2020 election

Not saying Clarence Thomas is starting to regret marrying Ginni, but his making it possible to ban interracial marriages now makes sense.

Sean Penn is seated at J6 hearing

Can someone pull Jon Voight up a chair so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that, either.

Crypto loses trillions in value

Crypto is doing so badly it’s going to be a horror show called ‘Tales of the Crypto.’

Dodgers star Mookie Betts out indefinitely with cracked rib after collision with Cody Bellinger

Great, even when Bellinger hits something it goes wrong.

European Council decides to grant EU candidate status to Ukraine

… Which should be easy, just give them all the old Brit UK place settings and mugs …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)