Breaking news: Maine Senator Susan Collins has purchased the Brooklyn Bridge for an undisclosed sum.
Senator Susan Collins from Maine announced today that she had purchased the Brooklyn Bridge for an undisclosed sum.
“I’ve had a unique opportunity presented to me,” Collins said.
The Senator’s financial advisor was quoted as saying, “Initially I was against such a large investment, but Senator Collins has impeccable judgment.”
Critics of the Senator will undoubtedly differ with her advisor’s assessment. As one detractor noted: “You may recall that Senator Collins believed President Trump ‘learned his lesson’ after the first impeachment trial.” When Trump went on to commit a second round of impeachable offenses, Collins said, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on you again.”
In addition, the Senator cast a crucial vote for Justice Kavanaugh’s narrow confirmation, citing his assurances on Roe vs. Wade as precedent. However, Kavanaugh recently voted to overturn the decision, leaving Collins to make the following statement to a group of reporters: “I feel misled, I’m all shook up.” She then performed an impressive rendition of Elvis Presley’s song by the same name.
The Senator then excused herself.
“I have to see a man about a bridge,” she said.
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