Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about gas refunds, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Deal reached on plan for more than $9 billion in gas refunds to California drivers

So, two tanks of gas and a couple of Slim Jim’s for you Hummer owners.

R. Kelly got 30 years

Or, so, he’d understand it, 15 years… twice.

‘How To Murder Your Husband’ writer Nancy Crampton Brophy jailed for life for the murder of her husband Dan

That’s like arresting Jeffrey Dahmer for writing a cookbook called ‘You Are Who You Eat!’

January 6 Hearing: Brad Raffensperger explains how multiple recounts show Joe Biden won Georgia in 2020

Let’s face it, if you count all the recounts, looks like Biden won Georgia until 2060.

Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling are dressed as Hot Skatin’ Barbie

Then how can we tell them apart?

Ghisline Maxwell is on suicide watch

That probably means there are a bunch of people who’d like to watch her commit suicide.

Elon Musk is trying to stop the Twitter deal

Or, maybe, the deal just hit the brakes on its own.

Mark Meadows indicated he was interested in receiving a presidential pardon, former top aide Cassidy Hutchinson testifies

Hmmm, sounds like Meadows pronouns are now Pardon/Me.

Charlie Puth says he lost his virginity to a fan at age 21, and wishes the experience was more ‘memorable’

Could’ve been worse, the fan could’ve demanded a ticket refund.

Cops are saying the Uvalde Police chose dishonor

Or, as it’s also known ‘The Thin Yellow Line.’

Happy 60th birthday, Tom Cruise

Soon this will be his movie billing: Mission: Impossible 7. Starring Tom ‘He Should Be On A Senior’ Cruise.

Jared Goff got engaged to SI Swimsuit model Christen Harper

Well, now, at least one person in that relationship can say they have a ring.

Early human fossils are a million years older than previously known

So, they finally released Larry King’s autopsy results.

Republican Senators vow to kill bill that goes after domestic terrorists

… Or, as they call them, their donor list …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)