If Trump Had Led the Charge Up Capitol Hill

In his dreams, Trump led the charge up Capitol Hill — making history like Teddy Roosevelt and his Rough Riders.

Pool Reporter — And here comes Donald Trump now, the swashbuckling President leading his pack of thousands of supporters as they swarm Capitol Hill. Trump’s dressed in combat fatigues and battle helmet, holding a noose as he proclaims that they’re looking to hang Vice President Mike Pence.

If Trump led the charge up Capitol Hill. — In his dreams, Trump led the charge up Capitol Hill.

Trump stops at the “Triangle,” the grassy spot on the U.S. Capitol’s East Front where briefings are regularly held for the press corps.

His throng of admirers emit a throaty roar as Trump proclaims he’s come to the Capitol building to officially “Stop the Steal” of the 2020 election in which he claims that it is him, not Joe Biden, who will be inaugurated as President of the United States on January 20, 2021.

“I stand before you today to take back our country,” Trump pronounces. “The election was rigged. I won in a landslide. I know it and everybody knows it.”

Pool Reporter: The crowd bellows its approval. They’re armed and ready for combat.

Here’s the President continuing to speak: “Like Teddy Roosevelt leading the Rough Riders up San Juan Hill, I’m leading the charge up into the Capitol building to find that dirty rotten scoundrel Mike Pence. To put him on trial for betraying the American people. Pence did not do what he needed to do to say I won the election. Traitors like that deserve what we’re about to do to him.”

Pool Reporter: And there goes Trump up the steps to the Capitol. His Secret Service detail tries to hold the crowd back as the president arrives at the front door, but it seems a futile exercise. The crowd is jubilant waving their signs and lethal weapons and yelling “Hang Mike Pence. Hang Mike Pence.”

Wait. There seems to be some disturbance. Yes, the President and several in his crowd are breaking down the door to the Capitol building and barreling inside. The crowd knocks over the Secret Service detail and pours inside after the President. It’s a mob scene, folks. An absolute mob scene. We follow in as best we can without getting beaten to a pulp.

Pool Reporter continues: “Where’s Mike Pence?” the president demands the Capitol Police officer tell him. The officer is guarding the door to the floor of the House of Representatives where my sources tell me the official count of the Electoral College votes has been suspended for the time being.

“And you are?” the guard asks Trump to show some identification.

“I’m the effing President of the effing United States,” Trump shouts.

“I’m sorry, mister, nobody’s allowed inside the House chamber without the proper ID”

“I’m the effing President. I demand to know where Mike Pence is.”

“He’s not here, mister. Sorry about that.”

Trump leads his troops around the halls of the Capitol building, in a desperate search for the Vice President. As yet, they can’t find him.

Trump says he’s getting sick and tired of this futile chase. He announces he’s going back to the White House to watch the rest of the excitement on T.V.

“I’ll be with you in spirit,” the president says. He asks his followers to let him know immediately if they find Mike Pence and he’ll come right back to the Capitol to “string him up.”

Pool Reporter: Trump waves his noose. The crowd roars its approval. “Don’t start anything without me,” he tells them. Trump offers his farewell with a “I love you. You’re all very special.”

Trump heads back to what they call “The Beast,” the presidential limousine that will take him back down Pennsylvania Avenue to the White House.

Having received their orders personally from the president, the mob spends the next several hours searching for the Vice President.

Back in the Oval Office, the chef carries in a plate of rib eye steak and hands it to the President who throws the plate against the wall, leaving it dripping with ketchup.

“There, I feel better now,” Trump says.

He marches upstairs to the presidential bedroom. Trump seems rather pleased with himself for being the hero of the day, the man for all seasons. He stretches out on the bed in front of the TV to watch the goings on up on the Hill. His wife, Melania, kisses him on the check, saying “You made us feel so proud of our country, Mr. President. What an example you set for us, the way you led the charge today. May I say, Mr. President, it was a profile in courage.”

“Ah, it was nothing. Just doing my job,” Trump tells Melania modestly, as he’s known to do. Quoting Shakespeare, Trump says to the First Lady, “Remember, all’s well that ends well.”

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Eric Green

Eric Green has Donald Trump to thank for a number of his satirical articles. As long as The Donald is around, Eric will continue to have new material to write about him. Eric finds writing satire a welcome escape from the realities of life. When he’s not trying to be satirical, Eric has been a former newspaper reporter, ex-press aide to a U.S. Senator on Capitol Hill, and ex-writer in the federal government. He's also the author of three mostly humorous books, the one he's most proud of is called Temporary Insanity, Costa Rica, My Way. For fun, he practices playing Beatles songs on the piano.You can find more about him on LinkedIn.