Jerry Duncan Interviews Kooky Carp - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Kooky Carp, TV host of “Midday Wasilla.”

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Kooky Carp, TV host of Midday Wasilla.

JERRY

Good morning, Kooky.

KOOKY CARP

I’m scared, Duncan. I heard there’s “coyotes” at our Alaska southern border.

JERRY

Sure, Kook. They’re smuggling polar bears into Wasilla. Like I told Sarah Palin, don’t let your brain go to your head.

KOOKY

Good advice. From now on whenever I feel stupid, I’ll remember that someone out there thinks Donald Trump should be president again.

JERRY

Exactly.

JERRY

Tell me about the show.

KOOKY

We bring awareness and entertainment to the television viewer. All 10 of them. For instance, how to train a dog, cook a steak.

JERRY

What do you know about cooking?

KOOKY

Just finished taping my Mother’s Day special on making breakfast for the woman in your life.

JERRY

But I’m a bachelor. I need cooking lessons.

KOOKY

Okay. Do you know what a Mexican bachelor makes for dinner?

JERRY

No.

KOOKY

Dinner for Juan.

The sounds of pots and pans are heard as they fall out of her cabinet. One hits Kooky on the head.

KOOKY

Ouch! Oh well. I got the frying pan. You probably wonder what I’m going to do with it.

JERRY

Cook someone’s goose?

KOOKY

No, silly. Making a cheese omelet.

There is a loud fart sound.

JERRY

What was that?

KOOKY

I just cut the cheese. Holding my nose, Duncan.

JERRY

Ew.

KOOKY

First, you crack two eggs in the frying pan. Oops. I forgot to light the burner.

JERRY

Brilliant.

KOOKY

Now I..I..

JERRY

What’s wrong?

KOOKY

An egg landed on the counter. I only have one egg left.

JERRY

Just pick up the egg with your hands and toss it in the pan. A few egg shells never hurt anybody.

KOOKY

You are a smart ignoramus.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

KOOKY

Now I pour the milk. Oh, no.

JERRY

What mindless wonder?

KOOKY

I missed the pan and milk spilled all over the hot stove. It’s evaporating. Ever hear of evaporated milk?

KOOKY

Oh well. I’ll throw in some cheddar cheese and pour in a bottle of Tabasco sauce.

JERRY

You better taste it, Kook.

She starts to chew the half cooked omelet.

KOOKY

Oh, man. My mouth is on fire! Water, water!

JERRY

Gee whiz.

KOOKY

Good idea. I’ll squirt some Cheez Wiz in my mouth.

She squirts half the bottle.

KOOKY

Ahhhh. My mouth is on fire even worse!

The stove catches fire. It’s spreading in the kitchen.

JERRY

Now what?

KOOKY

My house is on fire!

JERRY

This may not be a good time, but what age should I tell my dog that he’s adopted?

KOOKY

I wish you could see my middle finger.

JERRY

Kooky Carp everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.