Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the deceived Queen, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Boris Johnson ‘deceived Queen and has resigned’

Well, in fairness, they’re not really Queen since Freddy Mercury died.

Elon Musk pulled out of Twitter deal

…. Something he’s clearly not used to doing!

Puerto Rican judge issues restraining order against Ricky Martin

So, while in Puerto Rico he can’t go ‘La Vida Local.’

Jeff Bezos calls out Joe Biden’s latest inflation claim: ‘Straight misdirection or a deep misunderstanding’

When asked what he would do Bezo’s said: ‘I’ll dismantle that bridge when I got to it.’

Kyrie Irving bought a $3.7 Million mansion in Los Angeles yesterday

Oh please, at 3.7 mil in LA, at best, it’s only a starter mansion.

Cynthia Plaster Caster, artist known for rock-star penis sculptures dies at 74

Little known fact: A catalogue of the sculptures is the first known collection of dick pics.

Highland Park shooter suspect local rapper Robert Crimo aka ‘Awake’

Stop calling the Highland shooter a rapper, he ain’t Jay Z, he’s Cra Z!

Delta Air Lines offered $10,000 to passengers willing to give up their seat on overbooked domestic flight

The bad news, they said the money would be in a bag they could pick up at the baggage claim area.

Woman runs for her life ‘screaming’ after hearing telltale signs of landslide

… that would be someone else screaming ‘landslide!’

Mark Zuckerberg warns staff Facebook will be ‘turning up the heat’ to weed out underperformers

Complainers were told to join ShutYourFacebook.

Rudy Giuliani says he needed stents after slap ‘assault’

On the upside, the doctors said he’d be home hanging upside down to sleep in no time.

USC and UCLA’s moving to the Big Ten

Or, as it’s also known The ATM.

CNN’s Daniel Dale knocks down false claims by PAC Lauren Boebert’s past as an escort that also involved Ted Cruz

… Too bad, because then it would’ve been possible ‘drill, baby, drill’ started as dirty talk between Boebert and Cruz …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)