Vote: How to Fight the Next Civil War - Ted Holland, Humor Times

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

America is undoubtedly headed for the next civil war, but citizens must first decide which issues to kill each other over.

According to Dr. Ovadah Rainbowe, head of the SPAOS (Sex, Politics And Other Schitte) Department at the University of Vagina at Tampon Springs, modern America is undoubtedly headed for the next civil war. But the country is so divided over so many issues that citizens will have to go to the polls in November to decide which issues to kill each other over.

Dr. Rainbowe explained: “Once upon a time in America, you only had to decide if you were white or black, rich or poor, Catholic or Protestant, Democrat or Republican, master or slave, colored or black and white… now Americans are divided over dozens of issues of all types. All of which must be decided upon before the next civil war can begin.”

Among the divisions and rivalries that will be on the November Ballot are:

Yankees vs Rebels
Yankees vs Red Sox
Blacks vs Whites
Rich vs Poor
Trump vs Biden
Trump vs Liz Cheney
Trump vs Everydamnbody
NRA vs No Guns
Democrats vs Republicans
Roes vs Wades
Fox News vs MSNBC
LGBQT vs Strait
WWE vs AEW
Masked vs Unmasked
Vaccinated vs Unvaccinated
Carolina vs Duke
Vegans vs Cannibals
Cable vs Streaming
Bad Guys vs Cops
Everybody vs Cops
Redskins (whoops) vs Cowboys
State of Texas vs Mexico
Marvel vs Disney
New York Times vs Humor Times

Voters may begin voting early, right now, by using this form! Circle your choices and mail the form, along with your drivers license and a $50.00 cash voting fee, to the Humor Times.

SNN Words To Live By

“May I have some dirt?” — James Dean, Rebel Without a Cause

“A bird in the hand is alright for some, but I’d rather have the bush.” — Chuck Barris, The Gong Show

“There are three things a man and a woman should never share. A bathroom, a bank account and a lover.” — Dr. Sweet Mama Dorite, SNN

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Ted Holland

Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.