Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about JLo and Ben, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

JLo will be taking on Ben Affleck’s name

Her new full name will be ‘Jennifer Married To The One Who Isn’t Matt Damon Affleck.’

Train wreck Herschel Walker polling at 7% among Black Georgia voters

… and that’s mostly his kids …

2022 British Open: Tiger Woods’ tearful goodbye

Please, please, please, let someone else drive him off into the sunset.

Biden tests positive COVID

That’ll teach him to ask for some positive news.

Elon Musk has jumped the shark

… And knocked it up.

J6 hearings go Prime Time

Gotta say, there hasn’t been that few guest appearance by black people on a prime time show since Friends!

Leaked invoice reportedly details Boris Johnson’s $240,000 home makeover, including a $8,400 rug

I’m shocked, shocked he paid anything for that thing on his head

Amber Heard says she’s ‘terrified’ that Johnny Depp will sue her for defamation again

Well, the dude does love a sequel.

Truck driver rams into abortion rights demonstrators at Roe Rally in Iowa

So, life begins at conception and ends at intersection.

Celsius Cryptocurrency Network confirms they’ve filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy

Actually, it’s doing so bad it started at Chapter 11 and dropped to Chapter 3.

McConnell clashes with Rick Scott over Republican agenda

A classic tale of the ‘Turtle vs the Hairless.’

Chinese man seeks divorce from wife of 16 years after learning his 3 daughters are not his biological children

Damn you, Nick Cannon!

Geico ordered to pay Missouri woman $5.2 million after she contracted STD in a car

No word if she was also claiming to be rear ended.

Josh Hawley seen fleeing mob he ‘riled up’ on newly released J6 footage

… Hawley is the Usain Bolt of Benedict Arnolds …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)