Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Vingegaard at the Tour de France, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tour de France champion Vingegaard given hero’s welcome in Copenhagen

Really? Not so fast! Because it ain’t over until the skinny guy pees in a cup and the tests results come back.

UK hits triple digits in record heat wave

It’s so hot in the UK, Piers Morgan tried to reach Meghan Markle just for the cold shoulder.

Will Smith apologized to Chris Rock

Now do ‘Wild, Wild West’ for the rest of us.

Biden’s COVID symptoms are ‘almost completely resolved,’ White House physician says

White House officials hope he’ll rest his voice, not because of COVID … just because…

BREAKING: The United States has offered a deal to swap Brittney Griner and Paul Whelan for Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout

… no word on Kyrie Irving…

Happy 79th Birthday, Mick Jagger

You’ll always look great as long as you keep standing next to Keith Richards.

GOP threatening to stop paying Trump legal bills

Rudy Guiliani: ‘Someone’s paying Trump’s legal bills?’

Delta Air Lines flight had to make a U-turn over the Atlantic

Hmmm … probably discovered they had the correct luggage on board

Spain: Prosecutors to seek 8-year prison term for Shakira

Her hips don’t lie, tax returns not so much.

Elon Musk’s jet frequently takes 5-minute flights, says plane-tracking teen

Getting it up ain’t his problem, keeping it up? Well…

Schumer, Manchin announce deal on reconciliation bill with tax, climate, energy provisions

Or, as it’s also known, ‘Build, Back, Better Later Than Never.’

Montana Governor Greg Gianforte CAUGHT vacationing in Tuscany following disappearance amid historic flooding!

… Guessing all the hotels were booked up in Cancun

Ben Affleck reportedly gave Jennifer Garner a very last-minute heads-up about his Jennifer Lopez wedding

And if it’s ok to use all their old Bennifer monogrammed towels and plates.

Jared Kushner testified under oath that he was in the shower on 1/6/21

… An alibi that wouldn’t work for Steve Bannon …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)