Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the a “woke James Bond,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bill Maher goes off on ‘woke James Bond,’ who is no longer allowed to ‘f—hot chicks’

Y’think that’s bad, Bill, wait until you find all the crazy sh** he’s being told by Q.

Report: Weight gain during the COVID-19 pandemic

True, it seems like the ‘19’ in COVID`19 is the amount of weight people put on each year.

Did Donald bury Ivana on New Jersey golf course to get a tax break?

Well, if true, Melania ought to be worried because, y’know, he’s going to want to replace Ivana with a younger, hotter, Eastern European, tax break…

Judge: Wisconsin probe found ‘absolutely no’ election fraud

So, Biden has now won Wisconsin until 2032.

Liz Cheney blasts Sen. Tom Cotton for criticizing Jan. 6 hearings

Could’ve been worse, could’ve been her dad doing the blasting.

Dozens of sea turtles get lost in dark and head to Florida hotel’s bathroom and pool

The old ‘I’m a sea turtle lost in the dark to use a hotel bathroom’ excuse.

Alex Jones’ attorneys ‘messed up,’ sending 2 years of texts to Sandy Hook family lawyers

Looks like Alex Jones wouldn’t have been worse off if he hired Rudy Giuliani.

Elon Musk abandoned plans for a four-mile tunnel at Ontario airport

Oh, great, now he pulls out!

‘US drone strike kills top Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri in Afghanistan’

So, it was a Kabulseye.

China announces sanctions against Nancy Pelosi following Taiwan visit

Or, what’s known as sticking out their Mao Tse-Tung.

Senate votes 95-1 to add Sweden, Finland to NATO

So, that’s 95 votes for Yes; while Josh Hawley voted ‘Nyet.’

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson have officially called it quits

These people don’t date; they have people who make guest appearances.

3 Rabbis, a priest and a Buddhist lama sue Florida over abortion ban

… and then walked into a bar …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)