In an unprecedented “Fraudian Slip” during the Mar-a-Lago raid, Trump admitted to taking home 15 boxes of Goya Refried Beans!
Exclusive Transcript of the Mar-a-Lago Raid:
TRUMP
‘They were a gift,’ he sniffles.
FBI Agent
No, they are Emoluments.
TRUMP
No, they’re not – they never gave me the runs!
FBI
The Clause! Presidents can’t accept gifts like that.
TRUMP
C’mon – the grandkids play ‘Who Farted?’ when I give it to them.
FBI
Let them buy it.
TRUMP
They’re penniless – it’s all in a Trust.
FBI
You idiot – you wrapped this Goya stuff in Top Secret Memos!
TRUMP
I did? Well, there’s nothing in my Pillows…
FBI
I was gonna ask you about that – who puts Pillows in a Safe?
TRUMP
Well, you can’t get good help these days & why are you in my Safe? You have to have a list of items with your Search Warrant – not go Fishing!
THE FBI AGENT FORCEFULLY TEARS THE LABEL OFF THE PILLOW & TRUMP STARTS SWEATING.
TRUMP
Uh-0h. I think ‘Goya-Goya’ is working!
You know, Melania has to just stop shopping at ‘Bed, Bath & Be Best’ – they’re corrupt!
FBI
Should I speak with her?
TRUMP
Oh, no – she speaks very little English – in fact, we were married with an Interpreter!
TRUMP
Anyway, that’s not even my Pillow!
FBI
Is this your Safe?
TRUMP
Housekeeping is so tech these days – we have Maids here I’ve never met, spoke to or slept with!
FBI
So maybe somebody planted the Pillow in your Safe?
TRUMP
Could be. Every day I find strange things put in my Minibar – Apples, Carrots, Quinoa – never touch the stuff!
‘MY PILLOW GUY’, MARK LINDELL SUDDENLY APPEARS.
MARK LINDELL
Foam or Feathers?
TRUMP
Shut up, you Birdbrain! I’m lyin’ here!
THE FBI AGENT TEARS OPEN THE PILLOW, THROWING TORN-UP MISSING WHITE HOUSE DOCUMENTS INTO THE AIR!
FBI
Covfefe!!!
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