Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the Republican effort to “Defund the FBI,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Defund the FBI car race — Republicans now want to defund the FBI for enforcing the law.

‘Defund the FBI!’ – Republicans speak out against raid of Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate

MAGA’s so mad at the law enforcement that NASCAR drivers gonna start taking a knee before the National Anthem.

R Kelly’s family mad he’s in jail

Makes sense. Now, when they wish they could fly, they can only afford to go economy class!

Nebraska police obtained Facebook messages about teen’s alleged abortion

So, that makes them officially TwoFacedbook.

Trump just did what he said guilty people and the mob do: plead the Fifth… 450+ times

Trump looks so guilty, that when they cart him off, look for him to get a fist bump from Biden.

Smallpox vaccine is effective against Monkeypox

Although, we’ll need an Extra Large Pox vaccine if there’s a breakout of Gorilla Pox.

Ben Affleck was reportedly upset over the paparazzi

In fairness, maybe they thought Matt Damon was on the way.

David McCullough, American historian, two-time Pulitzer and Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient, dies at 89

Damn, ‘David McCullough is history’ now has a whole different meaning today. God Speed.

Trump had the chance to kill Al Qaeda’s leader but didn’t because he didn’t recognize the name, report says

At least, that proves he heard of Mike Pence.

Lawsuit accuses Dodgers security of attacking fans

… just put Bellinger in charge, he can’t hit anything.

Nick Cannon confirms he is expecting more kids: ‘The stork is on the way’

Enough, already! Elon Musk and Nick Cannon need to join a dating site called ‘SNIPPD.’

DOJ probing Trump

Word is, the DOJ is probing Trump so hard Lindsey Graham went ‘Ouch’

Padres star Tatis suspended 80 games for positive PED drug test

On the upside, he’ll be available for next year’s Kentucky Derby.

Republican Wisconsin activist says he committed voter fraud to expose potential voter fraud

… Which is the same rationale Prince Andrew used to try getting his ban lifted from Chuck E Cheese.

U.S. economy adds 528,000 jobs in July, unemployment rate falls to 3.5%

… Would’ve been 528,001 but Rudy Giuliani still can’t practice law …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)