Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about “Snoop Loopz,” doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Snoop Dogg creates new breakfast cereal called ‘Snoop Loopz’

It comes in 3 convenient varieties: ‘Edible,’ ‘Smokable’ and ‘We Forgot the Third Way.’

Video shows miraculous moment a man catches toddler falling from sixth floor of building in China

Unfortunately, to celebrate, the man then spiked the baby.

Queen Elizabeth snubs Prince Harry, praises Princes Charles, William for honoring Prince Philip’s climate work

On the upside, nothing beats the heat like a cold shoulder…

Jill Biden has COVID-19

She’ll be ok – she’s boosted, taking meds and Joe doesn’t own a golf course looking for a tax break.

VICE: Pigs can breathe through their buttholes and so could you, scientists say

Gotta say, that doesn’t sound kosher.

Trump is in growing legal and political jeopardy after a whirlwind week

Trump’s going to have to fix those hats so they say ‘45 to Life!’

Mob ransacks, loots 7-Eleven after South LA street takeover

Would’ve got away with it if they didn’t come back to steal a buck 28 of hot wings sauce.

LeBron James, Steph Curry highlight Draymond’s star-studded wedding guest list

So, even the bride had one more ring than Charles Barkley and Melo.

Pythons are eating alligators and everything else in Florida

John Cleese assures us they taste like chicken.

Trump aides think a family member informed on him to the FBI because agents knew where to find a specific leather case, report says

Welp, that leaves Tiffany out; they don’t tell her anything.

Martha Stewart just responded to rumors she’s dating Pete after they were seen holding hands following his split from Kim

Seems some folks will do anything to guest host SNL!

Joe Biden hands Senator Joe Manchin pen after signing Inflation Reduction Act into law

Didn’t Biden just have the Covid? Hmmm…?

‘Scoob!’ sequel canceled: Scooby-Doo’s ‘Holiday Haunt’ joins ‘Batgirl’ in Warner Bros.’ trash pile

Looks like the work of the accounting firm of ‘H & R Write-off.’

Trump pleaded the ‘Fifth’ 450 times in NYS fraud case

… Trump hasn’t used the word “fifth” that many times since they closed down Trump Vodka …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)