Ripping The Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about an injured sports mascot named after Edgar Allan Poe, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Raven sports mascot Poe — Sports mascot named after the author of “The Raven,” Edgar Allan Poe.

Baltimore Ravens mascot, Poe, carted off field after injury during halftime show

He’s listed as being out one game to coming back ‘nevermore.’

Donald Trump’s Truth Social is reportedly over $1 million behind in its bills already

Or, as dealing with Trump should be known: FPOTUS before he F’s you.

Beyoncé removed an offensive lyric on ‘Renaissance’

…. My question for all the Single Ladies, ‘do I still have to put a ring on it?’

Biden cancels up to $20K in student loans

Justice Kavanaugh ought to be pissed he didn’t have this from his college days, that’s a whole buncha kegs.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith spotted out together for first time since Oscars slap

No word if Will had a bodyguard to protect him from himself.

NY Times: Cannibalism has a time and a place. Some recent books, films and shows suggest that the time is now

Or, as it’s also known, ‘you are who you eat.’

Georgia Senate candidate and former football star Herschel Walker has at least 3 kids he never mentioned

Damn, the dude needed more than just a helmet for protection.

Alec Baldwin’s wife Hilaria Baldwin expecting her 7th kid

The woman doesn’t have a womb; she has a Gymboree.

Ari Fleischer slams Biden’s student loan handout plan: When you apply for a loan, you pay back your loan

Unless it’s for a casino, a casino, a casino, a casino, a casino, and another casino.

House passes ‘Chips Bill,’ sends to Biden for signature

Look for guacamole Bill to pass along side.

Nancy Pelosi’s husband Paul Pelosi pleaded guilty to drunk driving in Napa

It’s actually only Drunk Driving in the Le Drunkun Valley in France, anywhere else it’s a Sparkling Steering Violation.

Kim Kardashian used 232,000 more gallons of water than she’s permitted to, in the middle of a historic drought. Sylvester Stallone went 230,000 gallons over his allowance…

In the gameshow version of ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians.’

NBC possibly giving up primetime hour

Or, leak you’re giving it to Conan so Leno will want his other old time slot back.

Liz Cheney says Hawley, Cruz ‘made themselves unfit for future office’

… but perfect hunting partners for her old man …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)