Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/6/22 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Paul Rudd, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Paul Rudd has joined the cast of Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez’s ‘Only Murders in the Building: Season 3’

… As Selena Gomez’s younger brother.

Donald Trump’s ‘Truth Social’ is $6MM in the red

It’s like a Trump casino, only without the buffet.

Ozzy Osbourne explains why he’s leaving America

And, no one understood a word he said.

House passes ‘Chips Bill,’ sends to Biden for signature

Look for ‘Guacamole Bill’ to pass along side.

Mikhail Gorbachev, the last leader of the Soviet Union, has died “after a serious and long illness”

… More unusual, not near an open window

Leonardo DiCaprio has been partying “every night” since Camila Morrone, 25, breakup

Makes sense … before school’s back in session.

Coast Guard seizes over 2,000 pounds of red snapper caught in Texas waters

No word if that was with or without tartar sauce.

Sylvester Stallone’s wife Jennifer Flavin files for divorce after 25 years of marriage

So, things got Rocky …

Trump repeatedly boasted he had secret information about Macron’s love life

… so, sounds like he has the ‘oui oui tapes!’

Melissa Villaseñor, Alex Moffat, Aristotle Athari exit SNL

Soon, there may be nobody left, because everyone leaves with Pete Davidson.

Ex-NYPD officer sentenced to record 10 years for Jan. 6 riot

Damn, that’s 70 in dog whistle years.

Former Pro Wrestler, Ted “The Million Dollar Man” DiBiase took $3 Million in money meant for poor people in Mississippi

Guess he’s still the “Million Dollar Man” if you factor in inflation.

US orders Nvidia and AMD to stop selling AI chips to China

You’d think the chips would be smart enough to just not get on the plane.

Tommy Lee posted a NSFW full frontal nude photo, and it’s still up

Good thing – it’s so hot in LA, people are using it for shade.

Trump is a ‘deranged, defective personality’ we’re watching ‘self-destruct in real time’: George Conway

… No, he has an alternative sanity disorder: Mrs. George Conway …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)