Merrick Garland: Talk Radio Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Attorney General Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guests are Attorney General Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam.

Yosemite Sam with Merrick Garland — Yosemite Sam was interviewed with Attorney General Merrick Garland.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning, gentlemen.

YOSEMITE SAM

I’m the meanest, toughest hombre that’s ever crossed the Rio Grande. And I ain’t namby-bamby!

JERRY

I hear ya. You’re a putz.

YOSEMITE

Thanks for the compliment, Amigo.

JERRY

Hi Merrick.

MERRICK GARLAND

Yosemite sounds like a Trumper. Just sayin.

YOSEMITE

I am, Four Eyes. I have a huge following of Trumpers on my social media called Rubes for Boobs. We support Republican candidates runnin in the 2022 election. Last night, a group of us went huntin for rabbits. Didn’t bag one. Shucks, I was dying for some rabbit stew.

GARLAND

Will you settle for matzo ball soup? It’s my Bubbe’s recipe.

YOSEMITE
You mean your Bubba.

JERRY

Folks. Have you ever had one of those days when you’re holding a stick and everybody looks like a pinata?

GARLAND

No. My Bubbe. It’s a Yiddish word for grandmother.

YOSEMITE

I don’t know anything about them British except their teeth are messed up.

JERRY

At least they have teeth. My Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.

YOSEMITE

Duncan, I’m warning ya. One more wise crack and I’m gonna fire buckshot into your rear end.

JERRY

Yosemite. I’m curious. Why did you grow a mustache?

MERRICK

I know. Because he wanted to look like his mother.

YOSEMITE

I’ll blast your head off for saying that shit.

MERRICK

(imitates Elmer Fudd) Sowy. Huh-huh-huh-huh.

YOSEMITE

I’m campaigning door to door for Trump. We want to reach the school dropouts. He promises to give them Walmart greeter jobs. Let’s Make America Great Again in 2024.

JERRY

What does a dropout and an unvaccinated child have in common?

YOSEMITE

How would I know?

JERRY

They never get past the fourth grade.

Yosemite pulls out a pistol and fires.

YOSEMITE

I warned ya, wise guy. Dance!

Fires the gun again.

YOSEMITE

Dance for your supper!

JERRY

Okay. But don’t have a meltdown. I have two left feet.

The studio door bursts open. Bugs Bunny enters. Yosemite stops firing.

BUGS BUNNY

Ehhh. What’s up, Doc?

JERRY

Trump is going to get indicted by the DOJ. Tell him, Merrick.

MERRICK

That’s right, Bugs. Donald Trump defrauded the United States. He certified that all classified documents hidden at Mar-a-Lago were turned over to the FBI and National Archivists on June 3. Trump lied. After the FBI raid that I ordered on August 8, we found 700 more documents.

BUGS

That’s cool, Your Honor. Hey, Yosemite. If nothing goes right, try going left.

YOSEMITE

I can’t. Made a pact with the devil. I joined a satanic cult just for the hell of it.

MERRICK

You’re so dumb. I understand you stood on a stool to raise your IQ.

YOSEMITE

Say your prayers, Varmint! I’m gonna stuff one of them matzo balls up your nostril.

JERRY

Merrick Garland and Yosemite Sam everyone. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.