Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Barron Trump, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Barron Trump room left a mess by FBI, says Donald

That’s an excuse I wish I had: ‘I cleaned the room; it was the FBI…’

RIP Queen Elizabeth.

Her Majesty is lovingly survived by her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and childhood babysitter, Keith Richards. Godspeed!

Nick Cannon announces baby No. 10

Your move, Elon Musk.

Biden nominates new Post Office Board chairman

Hoping, DeJoy becomes the first Post Master General to have his pic go from being on the wall at the Post Office to being on the Post Office’s Most Wanted bulletin board.

Dozens got sick after visiting Kansas splash park

They should just rename the ride ‘Rash Mountain.’

Norway to send about 160 Hellfire missiles to Ukraine

… While Sweden is still putting together weapons at IKEA.

Botched cosmetic tattoo done on a budget leaves Thai woman with four eyebrows

On the upside, she’s looks like a work of art … a Picasso.

Las Vegas casinos underwater again following flash floods

Damn, the last time that many casinos were under water was when Trump owned properties in Atlantic City.

A car bomb in Russia apparently killed daughter of right-wing Putin ally

… so, natural causes.

Tom Brady and Gisele are reportedly in an ‘epic fight’ and she’s left the family compound

Man, the deflated balls on that guy… again.

Temperatures reach triple digits in SoCal

It was so hot that Will Smith reached out to Chris Rock just for the cold shoulder

Kim Kardashian bared her butt for interview’s ‘American Dream’ issue

So, we’re talking two-page spread.

Don Junior bagged his trophy bear after a hunting guide lured the poor big furry creature with pastries

So, that’s why we haven’t heard from Chris Christie.

In less than a decade, you won’t be able to afford a home in these cities

… Don’t fool yourself; you probably can’t afford it now …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)