Gov Ron DeSantis on Talk Radio - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Florida Gov Ron DeSantis.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Not really. Today on the show my guest is Florida Gov Ron DeSantis.

Gov Ron DeSantis by DonkeyHotey — Ron DeSantis caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com

JERRY

Welcome, Governor.

GOV RON DESANTIS

Don’t want to be here. I’d rather berate school children wearing masks.

JERRY

Knock. knock.

DESANTIS

Who’s there?

JERRY

Jerry.

DESANTIS

Jerry who?

JERRY

Gerrymandering. You changed the boundaries in Florida so Republicans can win elections.

DESANTIS

That’s an outdated term, Duncan. It’s called “Cheat To Defeat.” Perfectly legal.

JERRY

Hold that thought. I have good news. The Mars Rover found your birth mother an hour ago.

DESANTIS

Oh, man. No wonder I crave Mars bars and trips to Roswell, New Mexico.

JERRY

Here’s the bad news. Trump is upset that you’re thinking of running for president in 2024.

DESANTIS

Well. He should focus on his own problems. That buffoon will probably be indicted.

JERRY

And if he’s not?

DESANTIS

The Proud Boys will feed me to the sharks.

JERRY

You were a U.S. Congressman from Florida in 2013-18. Judge Advocate in the Naval Reserve. Deployed to Iraq with the SEAL team as a legal advisor. All good.

DESANTIS

There is no bad.

JERRY

Not so fast, Altar Boy. You’re against DACA. Oppose recreational marijuana. Against minimum wage increase. Drafted legislation to protect Confederate monuments, and support abortion restrictions.

DESANTIS

What’s your point?

JERRY

You’re a douchebag, Ronnie.

DESANTIS

No. I’m not! I’m selling merchandise for my re-election campaign with cool slogans like “Don’t Fauci My Florida” on T-shirts. And I train alligators to circumcise baby boys in Miami Beach.

JERRY

Flipper the Dolphin is dying to join our conversation. He’s pissed off about cruise ships on his turf. Can I let him talk?

DESANTIS

What the hell? Go ahead.

Jerry calls Flipper.

JERRY

Flipper. It’s Jerry Duncan.

FLIPPER THE DOLPHIN

EEEEE EEEEEEEE. Put pimple puss on the line.

JERRY

Okay. Here we go.

All three on the call.

DESANTIS

What’s the problem, Blubber?

FLIPPER

It’s Flipper. And I got a problem with you!

DESANTIS

Bring it on.

FLIPPER

There are dozens of loan sharks cutting in on my turf. Selling condos to jellyfish. Our property values have gone south. What’s even worse are cruise ships polluting the water.

DESANTIS

Are you sure it’s not the Miami Dolphins taking a swim?

FLIPPER

Mark my word, you rat bastard. Florida will be under water some day and I’ll be sleeping with you and your wife in a waterbed. EEEEE EEEEEEEE.

DESANTIS

No, you won’t. You’re getting deported to Martha’s Vineyard like I did to those Venezuelan migrants. Bye bye.

JERRY

Governor Ron DeSantis. He’s proof that you can’t make steak out of hamburger meat. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.