Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Mexico City, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mexico City residents angered by influx of Americans speaking English, gentrifying area

Hey, Mexico, should’ve built that wall when you had the chance.

R. Kelly found guilty… again

Dude, may believe he can fly all he wants, but that’s only gonna happen with an ankle bracelet and judge’s order!

Why Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s kids can now hold Prince and Princess titles

Mostly, to piss off Piers Morgan …

Greg Abbott shipped approx. 100 humans – mostly from Venezuela – on two buses to DC and had them dropped off outside the home of VP Kamala Harris

I’m shocked, shocked he was able to find Kamala Harris.

Gisele Bündchen tweets support for Tom Brady amid rumors of rift

Calm down, people, like if they divorced any of us would have a shot …

Kangaroo attacks and kills man, blocking paramedics from saving life

… Bringing new meaning to the term ‘hopping mad.’

Controversy over Disney’s casting a black ‘Little Mermaid’

The original ‘Little Mermaid’ was green and talked to a flounder. If that ain’t fishy …

Former FBI official says Russian, Chinese, and Iranian spies could have tried to infiltrate Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence

Coulda? Good chance, and they got a discount on 2-for-1 coupons at the breakfast buffet.

Russian energy exec has died after he fell off his yacht near Vladivostok

You’d think by now Russians would get the gravity of the situation …

Green Bay Packers suffer another lopsided season-opening loss, falling at Minnesota Vikings 23-7

Aaron Rodgers must be back on the Ivermectin because he sure got a whole bunch of horseshit beat out of him.

Mike Lindell: Feds seized my cellphone at Hardee’s

Or, as it will now be known, Hardee Har Hars.

Cardi B credits onions for restoring her hair back to health

… and a way to keep stalkers the hell away.

Norway euthanizes Freya — the walrus that drew crowds

Or, as a warning to John Bolton? You decide!

Prince Harry & Prince William are reportedly struggling with Camilla’s new Queen title

… I guess since Cruella was already taken…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)