Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about LinkedIn, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

LinkedIn site down

Look for mad rush of unemployed people to use the opportunity to get refills on their coffee.

Special Master Judge Dearie to Trump Defense Team: “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”

Defense: “Have you taken a good look at our client recently?”

Dancing with the Stars is back on Disney+

My Facebook Friends suggestions and the new cast of Dancing with the Stars have one thing in common: I’ve never heard of most of them.

Elton John ‘flabbergasted’ and teary after Biden surprises him with medal

Biden adds: “I love these kids today and their rock n’ roll.”

Brett Favre’s walls are closing in after a guilty plea in Mississippi welfare scam

On the upside for Favre, if he goes to prison he’s used to being called by a number instead of a name.

Europe’s severe drought is unearthing ancient artifacts from ‘Spanish Stonehenge’ to Emperor Nero’s bridge

… and to mementos from Larry King’s 2nd, 5th and 7th honeymoons …

Massachusetts moving asylum seekers from the Vineyard to Cape Cod

… Mostly, because nobody should be forced to be near Alan Dershowitz

Another woman exposes Adam Levine for sliding in her DMs with flirty messages as cheating scandal continues

Let’s face it, Levine sent so many texts his new band should be called Maroon 5G.

Russian airlines ordered to stop selling tickets to Russian men aged 18 to 65

Nope, not Putin you on.

Digitally altered The Simpsons clip did not predict the death of Queen Elizabeth II, fact-checkers say

Then there’s a pretty good chance she’s not really dead…

HBO Max has yanked 200 episodes of ‘Sesame Street’

Damn, the HBO movie version ought to be called ‘St Elmo’s Fired.’

House GOP rolls out agenda with a fake Lincoln quote

Unless Lincoln thought it, then it counts.

100-pound sailfish stabs woman, 73, on fishing boat after leaping from water off Florida coast

Could’ve been worse, she could’ve been nailed by a hammerhead.

Dog The Bounty Hunter offers bold prediction for midterms

… can someone tell me what Honey Boo Boo thinks so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that either …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)