Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Russian President Vladimir Putin.
ANNOUNCER RUSSIAN PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it Jerry Duncanova Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Bad job, Puty. Now get the hell out of here and go play with your nuclear weapons.
PUTIN
I your guest.
JERRY
Unfortunately.
PUTIN
Got joke.
JERRY
Lay it on me.
PUTIN
Why do Russian turkey cross road?
JERRY
No clue.
PUTIN
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
JERRY
You are certifiably crazy. But let’s talk about your latest evil scheme. Annexing four Ukrainian provinces.
PUTIN
No annex. I warn those people to visit Russia before Russia visit you. Look, Ukraine not legitimate country. They don’t have Walmart, only targets.
JERRY
You’re a war criminal. Invaded a sovereign nation.
PUTIN
Finder keeper. Loser weeper. Na na na na naaaa.
JERRY
The west is boycotting Russia. No more technology exports, or imports like mail order brides.
PUTIN
What Matt Gaetz gonna do? I end boycott. Want peace. A piece of Ukraine.
JERRY
That’s why everybody hates you.
PUTIN
No. Prostitute love me. I get to pee in face.
JERRY
Your buddy President Xi of China is a bully like you. He wants to invade Taiwan.
PUTIN
Maybe he bully, but how can I be? I so short, I can’t reach my goals.
JERRY
Speaking of short, I have President Zelensky on the line. Let’s all talk.
PUTIN
Only if he don’t bug me about when I annex Crimean Peninsula in 2014.
VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY
I heard you, Vladdy Cakes. And Crimea always Ukraine. No Chicken Kiev for Russia!
PUTIN
No Crimea for Ukraine! Crimea River, Munchkin.
ZELENSKYY
We winning in Ukraine. Capture 2,317 square miles from stupid Russian. People in Russia protesting war.
PUTIN
No protest. Acting up to get free trip to Siberia.
JERRY
Puty. Don’t you have anything better to do with your life than kill and torture innocent people?
PUTIN
Yes. I working on presidential election in 2024.
JERRY
Another sham vote in Moscow.
PUTIN
No. I talking United States so Republican win.
JERRY
Vladimir Putin and Volodymyr Zelenskyy everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(C) Dean B. Kaner
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