Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Post Malone falling through holes, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Post Malone suffers bruised ribs after falling through a hole on stage while performing

But, you can still catch him in concert under the name ‘Post Op Malone…’

Majorie Taylor Greene’s husband filed for divorce after 27 years

No word on how he broke the chains and escaped from the basement.

Apple ditches iPhone production increase after demand falters

While investors ask the question, “Who’s Siri now?”

Biden appears to look for Congresswomen killed in car crash: ‘Where’s Jackie?”

Although, he did bring ‘Build Back Better’ back from the dead: so, you never know…

Shakira explains her approach to parenting after split from ex-husband Gerard Piqué

… Apparently, hips don’t lie … husbands not so much.

Hebrew calendar calls in the new year 5783

The Hebrew calendar may say it’s 5783, but people are still partying like it’s 4999….

Largest oil and gas producers made close to $100BB in first quarter of 2022

Let’s face it, oil and gas companies are saving up their profits so they’ll have enough put away for an acid rainy day.

Judge tosses Sidney Powell’s countersuit against Dominion Voting Systems

Although, he did thank her for Kraken him up…

Alec Baldwin And Hilaria Baldwin Welcome 7th Child

One more and a free soda and medium fries.

Kremlin dismisses ‘stupid’ claims Russia attacked Nord Stream

… claims it was probably Moose and Squirrel…

Trump called Chris Christie fat

While Elon Musk asked if Nick Cannon ever heard of condoms.

Wayne Newton turns 80

His cheekbones 47, his nose 38, his Botox 6 months.

Sylvester Stallone and wife Jennifer Flavin called off their divorce

So, a sequel to their Rocky marriage? Should’ve seen that coming.

Hurricane Ian pummels Florida as Category 4 Hurricane

Holy Toledo! Florida’s more underwater than a Trump Casino.

Moscow official dies in staircase fall

…. He was probably trying to get to a floor with an open window….

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)