Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Mila Kunis, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mila Kunis says that she ‘didn’t do drugs’ because of her older ‘That ’70s Show’ costars

… and you’d think Tommy Chong would bring enough for everyone…

Key bridge linking Crimea to Russia hit by huge explosion

Maybe it’s a 70th birthday present for Vladi … just Putin it out there.

Herschel Walker’s real family values now public

At least, now we know why Herschel chose Georgia over USC — he wasn’t going near anything called Trojans!

Biden to pardon all federal offenses of simple marijuana possession in first major steps toward decriminalization

… And bolstering the industry known as ‘Big Cheese Nacho’ …

Gisele Bündchen retains divorce lawyer

… and Pete Davidson’s cell phone number.

Brett Favre’s trouble’s grow

Favre looks more and more like he’s going to be in ‘The Longest Yard’ … the documentary version.

DeSantis is now saying he may have taken twelve million dollars to fund flying people to Martha’s Vineyard

But, Florida will make it back in add on flight fees.

Angelina Jolie reportedly makes child support accusation against Brad Pitt

Aren’t the kids like in their 40’s?

Conservative Anchor has meltdown over Velma being a Lesbian

Dude, chill, she’s a cartoon you didn’t stand a chance…

Kourtney Kardashian says she did the dishes ‘completely butt naked’

… Causing applause from the kitchen staff at the restaurant she just ate at.

North Korea fires missile over Japan hours after Kamala Harris verbal gaffe praising ‘Republic of Korea’

Hey, Kim, it was just a verbal mistake, Kamala isn’t really that into you!

Rachel Dolezal OnlyFans leak reminds everyone she has an OnlyFans

… wouldn’t she be better off on OnlyTans?

David Beckham is ‘appalled’ by his son, Brooklyn, airing family drama with his new wife: ‘We don’t do this in our family’

Too bad for Becks … the kid is far too old to bend him over his knee like Beckham.

An armed Pennsylvania man in a rainbow wig who was trying to “restore Trump as President” was arrested at a Dairy Queen

… So, that’s what Rudy Giuliani’s up to …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)