250th Show: The Jerry Duncan Show Best Lines

,

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host celebrates the 250th episode by recalling the best lines heard on the show.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listener nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. Today is my 250th show. I am going to highlight some of the best lines from my many interviews. I should be receiving a Pulitzer Prize soon.

best lines, Sarah Palin by DonkeyHotey
Sarah Palin provided some of the best lines. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

Former Republican Governor Sarah Palin

I got a six pack for my husband Todd. Best trade I ever made. You betcha!

Comedian Woody Allen

Diane Keaton was bulimic. A barfer. Very nervous and neurotic like me. After we’d make love, she’d throw up. I asked my analyst, “Was it me?” “Was it her?” “Was she thinking about Groucho Marx?” I’m still going crazy.

Fred Flintstone

My show had higher ratings than The Jetsons. I appealed to the rubes who received their education from it. If it wasn’t for The Flintstones, there wouldn’t be Walmart shoppers.

Republican Senator Chuck Grassley

I want lots of homeless babies. The angrier they are growing up in foster care, the more the Republican party can expand it base.

President Joe Biden

I am fighting for the middle of the road, a little toad. Shucks, I mean a commode. Bottom line, folks. I make a helluva Vice President. Wait. I’m the President?

Republican Governor Ron DeSantis

There’s good news. The Mars Rover found my birth mother an hour ago. Oh man, no wonder I crave Mars bars and trips to Roswell, New Mexico.

Republican Consultant Kellyanne Conway

Of course I believe in birth control. I’m from New Jersey and we Jersey girls use protection during sex. They’re called bus shelters.

Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein

I can’t tell if Senator Susan Collins has a small head and a big nose, or a big nose and a small head. It bothers me, so I’ve called for a Senate hearing on the matter.

Comedian Roseanne Barr

I once had a fundraising idea at a PTA meeting. I suggested a cash bar at Parent-Teacher Conference Night.

Former Trump Attorney Michael Cohen

I protected Trump. Stormy Daniels said she was going to screw his brains out. That sounded like murder.

Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez 

I was so poor growing up in the Bronx. My mother was a cleaning lady and made me laugh with lots of cleaning lady jokes. Do you know what the poo said to the fart? You were expelled.

Former President Jimmy Carter

I build houses for Habit for Humanity. Only one mishap in 39 years. Last month, I accidentally nailed a volunteer to the other side of a door I was working on. Unfortunately, it was my wife Rosalynn.

Former first Lady Melanie Trump

My favorite vegetable is my husband.

Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene

I Googled the definition for “bitch” and found my name.

Vice President Kamala Harris

Growing up I sang in a Baptist choir, but had a lousy voice. My mother reminded me that if the windows shattered, we didn’t have insurance. I stuck to playing with Barbie dolls.

Democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

The only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown is that Bozo has real hair on his head and wears less makeup.

Republican Minority Speaker Mitch McConnell

Aside from laughing when my own family passed away, the best laugh is when I stopped the Obama nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court.

Democratic Senator Bernie Sanders

I should be the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I look more like Larry David than he does.

Celebrity Martha Stewart

I’m proud of my Polish heritage. I heard today that Poland just bought 10,000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn how to drive them, they are going to help fight against Russia in the Ukraine.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean Kaner
Latest posts by Dean Kaner (see all)
Share
Share