Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Texas Pete hot sauce, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Man sues Texas Pete after learning hot sauce is not actually made in Texas

Boy, wait until he finds out there’s no moose in chocolate mousse.

Vikings crossed the Atlantic almost 500 years before Columbus, new evidence shows

They made it to Detroit, kicked the Lions asses, rowed home.

Outrage over Halle Bailey’s Black ‘Little Mermaid’

If it’ll make everybody happy, just keep her black and call her the Lil Mermaid!

Biden pardons thousands of people convicted of marijuana possession, orders review of federal pot laws

Hmmm, that might explain the forgetfulness and dark glasses!

Churches are demanding members download ‘invasive spyware’ to check if they are watching porn

So, sounds like they’re trying to guard against those Porn Again Baptists.

USC gives up 43 points in loss to Utah

The last Trojan to provide that little defense probably belonged to Nick Cannon.

J6 committee to vote 9-0 to subpoena Trump

Finally, a time when Trump got the most votes.

Draymond Green taking time away from Warriors after punching teammate Jordan Poole

Trade Draymond to the Knicks. He’ll be fine there. They can’t hit anything.

In normal times, Herschel Walker would pull out of Senate race

Welp, if Herschel Walker pulled out. That’d be a first.

Chevy Chase says John Belushi once stole his coke off Saturday Night Live set

I heard it was no coke, Pepsi…

Tulsi Gabbard announces she’s no longer a Democratic

Gabbard announcing that she’s no longer a Democrat is like Jeffrey Dahmer having announced he was no longer a vegetarian.

Cuba Gooding Jr. avoids jail time, pleads guilty to harassment in forcible touching case

Up next: victim screaming: ‘Show me the money!’

Putin faces calls to resign from Russian city officials over lack of strength in Ukraine war

The way things are going, Putin’s going to need an even longer dinner table.

Roger Stone spoke with Proud Boys and Oath Keepers before and after J6

… no word on Boyz 2 Men and One Direction….

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)