Ripping the Headlines - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Liz Truss, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

British Prime Minister Liz Truss resigns after 6 weeks in office

Or, as it’s also known, Trexit.

Circle K gas stations in Florida to begin selling marijuana

Mostly to spur cheese nachos sales…

$400K in meth hidden in pumpkins found at Texas border, CBP says

And would have gotten away with it if someone hadn’t carved them with faces without teeth.

Biden hails largest deficit drop in U.S. history

It sounds like Republicans suffer from ATTDD… Attention To The Deficit Disorder.

Global porn star Rocco Siffredi is subject of Netflix drama ‘Supersex’

One question, shouldn’t his name be Stiffredi?

Billions of snow crabs have disappeared from the waters around Alaska

Destroying the snow crab and the garlic butter industries …

Rhinovirus on the rise

Not to be confused with Rinovirus, which apparently afflicts any Republican who disagrees with Trump.

Happy 50th birthday, Eminem

Pretty soon when they ask “Will the Real Slim Shady please stand up?” … they’ll have to wake him up from a nap first.

The NFL and Amazon announced Prime Video will stream a Black Friday game the day after Thanksgiving in 2023

Those without Prime will get it 3 days later…

John Durham loses in court again — Russian analyst Igor Danchenko found not guilty on all counts

On a separate note, didn’t Danchenko fight Stallone in Rocky IV?

A Texas woman attacked by a bison lived to share the video she captured

Your move, Florida man…

Activists throw tomato soup on Van Gogh’s Sunflowers

To get even, look for someone to pour sunflower oil on a Andy Warhol.

Kelly Osbourne says Dad Ozzy ‘Told everybody’ the sex of her baby on the way.’

So, it’s still a secret!

Alex Jones says “we woke up Kanye West” about ‘White Lives Matter’

… And all he got was a damn t-shirt …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)