Karl Marx Comedy Audition Found - Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

Who knew there was almost a Karlo in the Marx Brothers Act, but with a little help from Antiques Roadshow – here’s the Karl Marx audition transcript!

KARL MARX

I can prove we’re related. I found an Elephant in my pajamas too!

GROUCHO MARX

You’re weird because I made that up! No, we’re not related – let me see you walk!

No, that’s John Wayne! This is me.

GROUCHO

I see you didn’t come prepared.

KARL

Couldn’t find a Kazoo.

GROUCHO

Didn’t you see Harpo’s Harp – we’ve got high-class instruments here!

KARL

I saw your Act – how about ‘Wax Paper & a Comb’ – here!

GROUCHO

Do you like women?

KARL

On occasion.

GROUCHO shakes his head in disbelief!

KARL (animated)

I love ’em! Crazy about ’em! Coo-Coo about their buttocks!

GROUCHO

WTF! Who let him in?

KARL

I know ‘Secret Words’ like you. 50 dollars.

GROUCHO

50 dollars – that’s the Secret word?

KARL

No, I’ll tell you the Secret word for $50.

GROUCHO

Where’d you go to college – Wharton?

KARL

C’mon, I want to be in the famous ‘Stateroom’ Sketch – you know, on a ship!

GROUCHO

Can you hold your breath & squeeze a Maid’s ass at the same time?

KARL

I’m a quick learner!

GROUCHO

Let me get ‘the boys’ down here to check you out.

KARL

In Russia, we call that a Firing Squad!

GROUCHO

Well, you’re not in Russia anymore, Toto! Why Comedy?

KARL

Okay, I’m in hiding!

GROUCHO

Do you know what ‘Slapstick‘ is – how about ‘a Punch Line’?

KARL

‘A Bread Line’ I know. I stood in line once & lost 4 toes in winter!

GROUCHO

Well, did you get the bread?

KARL

Would the answer get me a laugh?

GROUCHO

Well, let’s wait for ‘the Twitter’ numbers & Elon to put down the sink! haha

GROUCHO

You know, in America we don’t stand in line for anything – if you don’t count Costco!

KARL

What is this Costco?

GROUCHO

Well Karl, it’s a lot like your famous quote:

“FROM EACH ACCORDING TO HIS ABILITY, TO EACH ACCORDING TO HIS NEED”.

KARL

You mean ‘Buying in bulk’? heehee That’s so bourgeoisie!

No, ‘Greed’ isn’t good.

GROUCHO

Then you won’t mind me giving you this cheap Cigar!

Now, how can you help our Act?

KARL

I’m a Thinker.

GROUCHO

What are you thinking now?

KARL

Chico looks like he knows how to place a bet.

GROUCHO

But you’re not funny.

KARL

Well, that’s up to Marilyn Sands, isn’t it!

GROUCHO

Who?

KARL

That’s what I said.

GROUCHO

Karl, didn’t you die in 1883?

KARL

All I ask is a night at the Opera!

GROUCHO

Folks, “Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped”!

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Marilyn Sands

Marilyn Sands is a former 80's Stand-Up Comic & Comic Booker. Sold Jokes to Joan Rivers & lesser lights. Was up one night & wrote 2 Madcap Screenplays & a Stage Play. Her hilarious book "CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS" On-Line Dating Straight Lines is on amazon.com/dp/1733487409And, "OWNING THE STAGE, RENTING THE BALLS"!My Life as a Funny Girlis on amazon.com/dp/1733487417"Living proofyou don't have to be a success to write a Memoir"!And yes, this bio is my OBIT too!haha