Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about cannabis stocks, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Cannabis stocks are higher

People smoking right now are giggling.

Talk of Musk charging 2.99 to use Twitter

… Now, we’re talking fee speech.

Bono again apologizes for U2’s iTunes stunt

Nope, sorry, Bono, when it comes to apologies, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for …

President Biden is cracking down on ‘unfair and unlawful’ fees that are costing Americans billions every year

Stick that in your overhead luggage, Delta.

Tom Brady and Giselle call it quits after 13 years of marriage

Look for Giselle to change her pronouns to Pete/Davidson.

Jim Cramer begins to cry and apologizes on being wrong on Facebook

… So, he’s about to join AboutFacebook.

Sunak confirmed as next UK Prime Minister

Although, he’s being told to pack light.

Kanye West’s Yeezys removed from Foot Locker

Now, if they ever open a Foot-in-Mouth Locker….

Kayleigh McEnany’s sister is promoting a right-wing dating app created by former Trump White House staffers

It will be known as Griftr.

Speaker Pelosi’s husband Paul Pelosi violently attacked in political motivated attack, expected to fully recover

On the bright spot, he didn’t have to drive himself to the hospital.

Instagram takes down Pornhub’s second account after sex site tried to circumvent permanent ban

Welp, if anyone knows how to keep getting it up, it’s Pornhub.

Kim Kardashian spent most of Her 42nd Birthday with the person she loves most

Apparently, she spent it by herself.

Lindsay Lohan was banned from a hotel for not paying her $46,350 bill

… so, a couple of bags of mixed nuts and a designer water …

Tom Brady texted with Ron DeSantis

In fairness, maybe, he was just looking to get a free flight back to New England.

Radioactive bluefin tuna crossed the Pacific to US

On the upside, when it’s turned into sushi the reviews will be glowing.

Herschel Walker says he was in the military

… Dude, the NJ Generals barely counts as a football team …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)