Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about the day after Halloween candy sales, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Day after Halloween candy sales, best deals

That’s right, it’s the day after Halloween. Or, as it’s also known ‘Diabetes Tuesday.’

Matthew Perry opens up about why he never found love and why he will only date wealthy women

… look for it in his next show ‘Friends with Benefits and Dividends.’

The use of the N Word went up 500% after Musk bought Twitter

And, that was just on the congratulatory call from Joe Rogan!

Biden Administration announces US Economy added 261,000 jobs in October

260,999, if you don’t count what Aaron Rodgers has been up to at doing a job.

Kanye reinstated to Twitter

Kanye needs to spend less time on Twitter and more at Walgreens.

Jennifer Lawrence says she used to ‘get stoned’ with Liam Hemsworth and Josh Hutcherson after ‘Hunger Games’ premieres

… I guess those hunger games where all about nachos and jumbo popcorn.

Brazil’s Bolsonaro says he may not accept 2022 election

So, Bolsonaro is Portuguese for ‘But Her Emails.’

Trump said former President George H.W. Bush kept secret government documents in a combination bowling alley and Chinese restaurant

Makes sense, Hillary already had all the pizza places’ basements filled up.

Lakers off to 2-6 start

The Lakers are off to a very politically correct start. So, far, they’ve done nothing offensive.

Dow sets sights on best October ever

… which is why it should be known and the ‘Up and Down and Up And Down and Up Jones…’

Woman Dr. Oz appeared to spontaneously comfort was actually a paid staffer

To be fair, if you worked for Dr. Oz, you’d need a hug every now and again.

Rudy Giuliani about to get arrested for non-payment of spousal support

This week on the ‘Real Ex-Housewives of Transylvania.’

Eight brides in one family have worn a Marshall Field’s wedding gown purchased in 1950

No word if that’s individually or all at the same time.

Would you vote for former President Trump a 3rd time?

… Sure! … If I were on the jury, and he was up for three charges …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)