Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about psychedelic toads, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

National Park Service urges visitors not to lick toxic psychedelic toads

… or, at the very least, take them to dinner and a movie first.

Russian-installed official in Ukraine’s Kherson region dies in car crash

… mostly because there aren’t any tall buildings with open windows left…

Trump spreads rumors, threatens allies in all-out attack on DeSantis

When it comes to DeSantis, Trump just took his tiny gloves off.

Biden speaking at global climate meeting COP27

Well, after mid-terms he can say his political future is less cloudy.

Aaron Rodgers threw three interceptions as Lions beat Packers

Maybe he has ‘Can’t Go Long COVID…’

Chris Pratt backs billionaire Rick Caruso for LA mayor against Democrat Karen Bass

Now can you tell me who Thor backs, so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that either.

Kanye went to 50 Cent for advice

… Probably cause that’s about how much money he has left!

World’s tallest woman takes her first plane flight after airline removes 6 economy seats to make it possible

And put a hole in the overhead baggage container.

Next general election in UK not until Dec 2024/Jan 2025

… or, when they run out of Conservatives to be PM, whichever comes first.

Herschel Walker receives 8% of black Georgia vote

And, that’s mostly his kids.

Sean Penn gives Oscar statuette to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy

… no word if Zelenskyy’s thank you speech was cut off by music.

Vaping company Juul cuts 400 jobs amid growing setbacks

So, it’s going up in smoke…

Ted Cruz got hit with a White Claw can and booed at during a Houston Astros victory parade

As long as it wasn’t a clove of garlic, he’ll be fine.

The gas station owner who sold the $2 billion Powerball ticket got a $1 million bonus

… So, a tank of gas, two big gulps and an order of cheese nachos …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)