Vice President Mike Pence Interview - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Vice President Mike Pence about his new book “So Help Me God.”

ANNOUNCER

From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is former Vice President Mike Pence, who will talk about all things Trump and his new book So Help Me God.

JERRY

Good morning, Veep.

VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE

Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful. Slow to anger.

JERRY

Hold on there, Penster. This isn’t Sunday school.

PENCE

The world is flat. It is firmly established that it cannot be moved. Chronicles 16:30.

JERRY

The world is round. Like your balls. Wait a second…you don’t have balls.

PENCE

That’s not fair. I certified the election on January 6, 2021 after a violent insurrection on our Capital. In spite of the fact a bunch of Trumpsters wanted to hang me.

JERRY

I’m going to cut you some slack this one time.

PENCE

Mother, that’s what I call my wife Karen. She was hysterical.

JERRY

Why?

PENCE

My life insurance policy expired. I was rejected, because I have a chronic condition called “brown noser.”

JERRY

What does that mean?

PENCE

I can’t breathe properly. There’s lots of poop in my nose, because it was so far up Trump’s rear for 4 years.

JERRY

Looking back. Aren’t you ashamed of how you praised Trump at every turn?

PENCE

Not really. President Trump saved millions of lives from COVID-19 by stopping flights from China in January 2020. He was on top of it.

JERRY

The only thing Trump was on top of was Stormy Daniels. He ordered travel restrictions on flights from China in February, not January. The flights weren’t banned until June. By that time over 100,000 Americans died from COVID-19. Big lie, Penster.

JERRY

The Trumpster told reporter Bob Woodward that he knew how deadly COVID-19 was in early January 2020, but did nothing about it.

PENCE

Mother and I prayed it would go away. I had no idea the good Lord was on vacation.

JERRY

You don’t know a lot of things. If the Lord sneezes when you meet him, what do you say?

PENCE

For God sake, cover your mouth. Don’t you know about the coronavirus?

JERRY

Let me ask you. How much is Trump’s life insurance payout.

PENCE

I don’t know.

JERRY

One pence.

JERRY

Things are going to change if Donald Trump is convicted by the Justice Department for violating the Espionage Act. He hid top secret documents at Mar-a-Lago.

PENCE

The FBI shouldn’t have raided his residence.

JERRY

He wouldn’t turn over the documents that belong to the American people.

PENCE

I guess you’re right. Love letters from Kim Jong-un is like me getting a massage from Marjorie Taylor Greene in a bathhouse. I’m getting the chills. Do you have a barf bag handy?

JERRY

Here’s what may happen when all the dust settles.

JERRY

Number one. Donald Trump will be arrested and put in a cell with ISIS fighters at Guantanamo Bay.

Number two. Trump will participate in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest until he explodes.

Number three. We will make you Mike Pence teach sex education at Berkeley.

PENCE

That number three. I’m worried I might enjoy it.

JERRY

Absolutely you will. Your assistant is going to be Megan Fox.

PENCE

What will I tell Mother?

JERRY

How about, “Do you want me to move out of the house?”

JERRY

Hey, Penster. Trump, Putin and Kim jump off a cliff. Who wins?

PENCE

No clue.

JERRY

Mankind.

JERRY

In your book, you wrote Trump said that you were too honest to attempt to overturn the results of the 2020 election.

PENCE

Yep. The President got angry and told me the only reason he picked me as Vice President is so he wouldn’t be assassinated.

JERRY

Makes sense. Good luck with the book

PENCE

I’ve already sold 6 copies

JERRY

Former Vice President Mike Pence. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.