Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Vice President Mike Pence about his new book “So Help Me God.”
ANNOUNCER
From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is former Vice President Mike Pence, who will talk about all things Trump and his new book So Help Me God.
JERRY
Good morning, Veep.
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE
Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful. Slow to anger.
JERRY
Hold on there, Penster. This isn’t Sunday school.
PENCE
The world is flat. It is firmly established that it cannot be moved. Chronicles 16:30.
JERRY
The world is round. Like your balls. Wait a second…you don’t have balls.
PENCE
That’s not fair. I certified the election on January 6, 2021 after a violent insurrection on our Capital. In spite of the fact a bunch of Trumpsters wanted to hang me.
JERRY
I’m going to cut you some slack this one time.
PENCE
Mother, that’s what I call my wife Karen. She was hysterical.
JERRY
Why?
PENCE
My life insurance policy expired. I was rejected, because I have a chronic condition called “brown noser.”
JERRY
What does that mean?
PENCE
I can’t breathe properly. There’s lots of poop in my nose, because it was so far up Trump’s rear for 4 years.
JERRY
Looking back. Aren’t you ashamed of how you praised Trump at every turn?
PENCE
Not really. President Trump saved millions of lives from COVID-19 by stopping flights from China in January 2020. He was on top of it.
JERRY
The only thing Trump was on top of was Stormy Daniels. He ordered travel restrictions on flights from China in February, not January. The flights weren’t banned until June. By that time over 100,000 Americans died from COVID-19. Big lie, Penster.
JERRY
The Trumpster told reporter Bob Woodward that he knew how deadly COVID-19 was in early January 2020, but did nothing about it.
PENCE
Mother and I prayed it would go away. I had no idea the good Lord was on vacation.
JERRY
You don’t know a lot of things. If the Lord sneezes when you meet him, what do you say?
PENCE
For God sake, cover your mouth. Don’t you know about the coronavirus?
JERRY
Let me ask you. How much is Trump’s life insurance payout.
PENCE
I don’t know.
JERRY
One pence.
JERRY
Things are going to change if Donald Trump is convicted by the Justice Department for violating the Espionage Act. He hid top secret documents at Mar-a-Lago.
PENCE
The FBI shouldn’t have raided his residence.
JERRY
He wouldn’t turn over the documents that belong to the American people.
PENCE
I guess you’re right. Love letters from Kim Jong-un is like me getting a massage from Marjorie Taylor Greene in a bathhouse. I’m getting the chills. Do you have a barf bag handy?
JERRY
Here’s what may happen when all the dust settles.
JERRY
Number one. Donald Trump will be arrested and put in a cell with ISIS fighters at Guantanamo Bay.
Number two. Trump will participate in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest until he explodes.
Number three. We will make you Mike Pence teach sex education at Berkeley.
PENCE
That number three. I’m worried I might enjoy it.
JERRY
Absolutely you will. Your assistant is going to be Megan Fox.
PENCE
What will I tell Mother?
JERRY
How about, “Do you want me to move out of the house?”
JERRY
Hey, Penster. Trump, Putin and Kim jump off a cliff. Who wins?
PENCE
No clue.
JERRY
Mankind.
JERRY
In your book, you wrote Trump said that you were too honest to attempt to overturn the results of the 2020 election.
PENCE
Yep. The President got angry and told me the only reason he picked me as Vice President is so he wouldn’t be assassinated.
JERRY
Makes sense. Good luck with the book
PENCE
I’ve already sold 6 copies
JERRY
Former Vice President Mike Pence. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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