Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about FTX, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Hundreds of millions of dollars drained from FTX overnight in ‘unauthorized’ transfers

Or, as it’s now known “Ain’tWorthS***Coin.”

Trump-backed Arizona election loser Kari Lake cries “BS” over results

Kari Lake uses a filter for every part of her face, but her mouth…

20% of alcoholics are high functioning

Big damn deal. 100% of pot smokers are functioning high.

Biden granddaughter gets married in White House ceremony

Her dad, Hunter Biden, gave her away, while, Joe Biden probably wants to give away Hunter.

Women stopped from entering amusement parks in Afghan capital

So, they didn’t get to ride “It’s a Third World After All.”

Elon Musk says ‘I have too much work on my plate’

… and then fired the plate.

Kohl’s CEO, Michelle Gas, steps down to take president role at Levi Strauss

So, retail is in her jeans.

Study reveals worldwide decline in sperm counts

Nick Cannon: Hold my lab work.

A photographer aimed his camera at a surfer. A shark photobombed him

So, that’s what my agent’s been up to!

Mike Pence reverses course, spurns Jan. 6 committee questions

What’s the difference between Mike Pence and his book? His book has a spine.

Dodgers cut 2019 NL MVP Cody Bellinger

Appropriately, Bellinger’s striking out on his own.

79-year-old author is breaking the taboo around senior sex

Apparently, 79 is the new 69.

Gisele was just seen on a date with her jiu-jitsu instructor 2 weeks after her divorce from Tom

I’m shocked, Pete Davidson knows jiu-jitsu?

Gen Z stops Red Wave in mid-term elections

… So, Gen Z beat Cra Z …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)