Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Tesla’s market value, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Tesla market value, Taylor Swift — Taylor Swift, explaining how high Tesla market value used to be.

Tesla has lost the market value equivalent of 3 Disneys, 4 Nikes, or 6 Starbucks

… or 2 tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.

92% of people say they use Google to check on word spelling

The other 8% use ‘Goggle.’

Record number of shoppers put inflation aside for Black Friday

I once went to an after-Thanksgiving sale. Never again. … Because, it’s true: once you go Black Friday you never go back.

All the details of Naomi Biden’s three wedding dresses revealed

Look for Fox News to claim they were found on her dad’s, Hunter’s, laptop.

Seals caught having sex with penguins

No wonder penguins walk so funny.

Trump reinstated to Twitter

Elon may have brought back Trump, and he’s going have to sue him to collect that 8 bucks a month!

President Jair Bolsonaro has dropped out of sight because he ‘can’t wear pants’ due to a skin infection

Yeah, sounds like someone who just can’t deal with defeat and now just needs to put his big boy pants on….

Dionne Warwick says she’ll ‘be dating Pete Davidson next

Some people will do anything to host SNL …

Bob Iger’s pay package is revealed as exec spends his first day back in Disney CEO Chair

Here’s betting, ‘It’s a small fortune after all, after all.’

Charles Barkley reveals he hasn’t spoken to Michael Jordan in 10 years

Welp, it’s up to Michael, because Charles would give Michael a ring if he had one.

Princess Eugenie quietly moved out of the Sussexes’ House after alleged drama with the Cambridges

Announcer: “Let’s get ready to Royal Rumble!”

At the Trump Org. trial, 3 jurors closed their eyes and appeared to briefly fall asleep

So, the prosecution wasn’t the only one who rested.

NASA: The Moon has no atmosphere, but has that always been the case?

I wonder the same about Olive Garden restaurants.

Oregon Gov. Kate Brown pardons 45K for marijuana convictions

… People are saying ‘what are you high?’ But in a good way …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)