Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican Congressmen Louie Gohmert of Texas and Jim Jordan of Ohio.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are crazy Texas Republican Congressman Louie Gohmert and crazier Ohio Republican Congressman Jim Jordan.
LOUIE GOHMERT
I will lie for Trump.
JIM JORDAN
I will die for Trump.
GOHMERT
If you die, can I have your sweaty white dress shirts?
JORDAN
Sure. I’ll even throw in my smelly wrestling mat and jock strap.
JERRY
Let’s get to it. You two anarchists are members of the Freedom Caucus, which is sympathetic to the Tea Party. You are still trying to overturn the results of the 2020 election in favor of Donald Trump.
GOHMERT
It’s a conspiracy. I go by the facts. There were bamboo ballots with invisible ink. Trump’s name just disappeared in the light. Also, the voting machines were rigged. All the votes went to Joe Biden automatically.
JORDAN
That’s evidence the Supreme Court refused to consider. Here’s another fact you don’t know. Viagra is a recreational drug. There are two main ingredients: Miracle Gro and Fixa-Flat. This is why I refuse to let Medicare pay for it.
GOHMERT
Hey, Jimbo. I use Viagra. The wife and I play bucking bronco after I take the pill.
JORDAN
I may have a change of heart. Will Viagra help me grow taller? I’ve been mistaken for a chimpanzee.
JERRY
Okay, monkey. What do you get when you offer a member of the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts?
JORDAN
No clue.
JERRY
Change.
JERRY
Gohmert. I was reading about the high crime rate in Texas. Why are there so many unsolved murders?
GOHMERT
I don’t know.
JERRY
Well, I do. There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA.
JORDAN
Yep. Heard it on Hannity, so it must be true.
JERRY
Chimp Jordan. 126 House Republicans and 17 Republican State Attorney Generals signed onto the Texas lawsuit to overturn the election results in swing states in favor of Donald Trump. Attorney General William Barr confirmed that there was no election fraud. The lawsuit was frivolous with no evidence and the Supreme Court dismissed the challenge.
JORDAN
That’s not what we’re complaining about, Duncan. Joe Biden was born in a blue state. It’s illegal and disqualifies him for president. (sound of chimpanzee) Ooh, ooh, ooh, eee, eee, eee, aah, aah, aah.
JERRY
You’re a nut, Chimp. Joe Biden is the president.
GOHMERT
He won’t allow the QAnon flag in the House chamber. That’s un-American.
JERRY
The truth is Trumpsters are undermining our democracy. Fear and anger is not who we are as a nation.
GOHMERT
Fake news. I think you’re being controlled by Hillary Clinton. There are microwaves coming from your head. I feel the vibes.
JERRY
If you say so, Gomer Pyle.
JORDAN
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
JERRY
Don’t know.
JORDAN
Three. One to hire a Mexican and two to deport him when he’s done.
GOHMERT
A fact, Duncan.
JORDAN
And Gohmert knows. He’s one of the most racist members in Congress.
GOHMERT
Better believe it. You name the minority, I’m against them.
JERRY
Native Americans were here before white people.
GOHMERT
I say to that remark. Make pee pee, not teepee.
JORDAN
Boy. We are gonna have fun the next two years. Hunter Biden is going to be grilled endlessly in Congressional hearings. Dr. Fauci will be humiliated. And Joe Biden will be impeached for no reason.
GOHMERT
You can’t get more Trumpier, Jimbo.
JORDAN
Oh, yes I can. I made a pact with the devil.
JERRY
Hold on there, Chimp. You are the devil!
JORDAN
Ooh, ooh, ooh, eee, eee, eee, aah, aah, aah.
JERRY
Jim Jordan and Louie Gohmert everyone. See you tomorrow
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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