Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Dwayne Johnson, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Dwayne Johnson visits 7-Eleven he used to shoplift from and clears his conscience

… and aisle three of all the Hostess Twinkies for old times’ sake.

Chris Christie’s rolling over on Trump

That’s gotta be crushing!

Twitter shuts offices amid worker exodus as many reject Elon Musk’s ultimatum

Damn, now he may have to lock ‘em in to keep the place running.

Biden hits record high approval rating thanks to this surprising demographic

Herschel Walker’s kids…?

Snoop Dogg smokes up to 150 joints per day, says personal blunt roller

Willie Nelson: Hold my roach clip.

Cardi B could face legal action over Marge Simpson Halloween costume

… while Homer has to worry about word getting out about that that Nicky Minaj a troi!

Class action filed against Tom Brady, Larry David and others who endorsed FTX

No word if diabetics are going after Count Chocula.

Kari Lake challenging her Arizona race results

I get the feeling this isn’t the only race Kari Lake is unhappy with!

Twitter users find porn after searching about COVID protests in China

So, we’re talking COVID-69.

Sesame Workshop mourns the passing of Bob McGrath

Today’s letters are R.I.P.

Mayim Bialik talks preparing to host ‘Jeopardy!’ and her relationship with co-host Ken Jennings:

What is get a room you two?

Jay Cutler was spotted in the stands at Pack/Bears games

He threw someone a bag of peanuts, it was picked off and run back for a touchdown.

Researchers study 15,000+ penises to determine average lengths around the world

Although, keep in mind, some of the evidence was circumcisional.

Michael Cohen says Ivanka Trump’s self-exile from politics may be because she was the FBI’s mole at Mar-a-Lago

… They should’ve gone to Jared …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)