Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Ticketmaster, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ticketmaster owner being investigated by the Justice Department, faces widespread criticism from Taylor Swift fans

I’d pay money and fees to watch them break up Ticketmaster Live Nation!

Hate speech is growing on Twitter

And, that’s just Musk yelling at his lawyers for letting him buy the f%*king thing!

$1M in pot washes up on beach

Now, that’s my kinda seaweed.

James Woods wants to sue the DNC because he couldn’t post a Hunter Biden dick pic

…Which is ironic, ‘cause every pic of James Woods is a dick pic.

Brittney Griner arrives in the US after being released from Russian custody in prisoner trade

Word is the Griner prisoner exchange took so long because Biden wanted to throw in Russell Westbrook.

Senator Kyrsten Sinema leaves Democratic Party, registers as independent

In fairness, Kyrsten Sinema, the first openly bisexual member in congress, is a politician who admits to screwing everybody.

Gummy bear maker rewarded a man who found the company’s lost $4.8 million check with candy

Could’ve been worse they could’ve paid him in Crypto…

Florida’s ‘don’t say gay’ bill author indicted for money laundering

Welp, now he has the right to remain silent on lots of topics.

Kimberly Guilfoyle said she loves doing the laundry and making Donald Trump Jr. his coffee in the morning

… While he enjoys snorting coke off her ass.

Former Dodger MVP Corey Bellinger signs with the Cubs

Given those swings and misses, the Windy City just got windier.

Rev. Warnock wins Georgia run-off against Herschel Walker

After today, Herschel can go back to his usual type of run off … where he runs off from paying child support.

Emily Ratajkowski & Pete Davidson proved those rumors are true with this major relationship step

She hosting SNL?

Happy 39th Birthday, Aaron Rodgers

When asked about it, he stomped his front leg 39 times.

Trump, Kanye joined by Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes at Mar-a-Lago

… Trump’s gone from hosting Celebrity Apprentice to The Amazing Racist: Mar-a-Lago! …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)