'Twas the Night Before Christmas - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein Kevin McCarthy, Sarah Palin, Bernie Sanders and Mike Pence recite “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” together on our talk radio show.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY DUNCAN

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are the new Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy, former Governor Sarah Palin, Senator Bernie Sanders and former Vice President Mike Pence. They will be reciting ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.

MIKE PENCE

God bless you.

JERRY

Sit down you fool.

PENCE

Is this the 700 Club? I pray, I pray, I pray.

JERRY

This is the The Twilight Zone and you just met the devil.

PENCE

(worried)

Satan?

SARAH PALIN

Jerry Duncan, you punked me! I thought this was Dancing with the Stars.

BERNIE SANDERS

Who cares? All I know is I’m hungry and someone needs to get me a corn beef on rye.

PALIN

One of us could be Satan.

SANDERS

Satan, shmatan. Get me a sandwich already.

Sanders gets out of his chair and walks over to Jerry’s desk where there is a cell phone. He picks it up and dials.

SANDERS

Hello. Is this Brooklyn Deli?

Jerry grabs a mallet from under his desk and hits Sanders over the head Three Stooges style.

SANDERS

Ouch!

JERRY

There. You want something to eat…eat my shorts.

SANDERS

(wobbles) I’m seeing stars.

PALIN

See, I knew this was Dancing With The Stars.

JERRY

Kevin McCarthy. The man with no moral compass.

KEVIN MCCARTHY

You rang?

JERRY

You can’t stop sucking up to Trump, because you’re scared he may get you removed as House Speaker.

MCCARTHY

Donald Trump is a big asset to the Republican party.

JERRY

You mean ass.

JERRY

The reason you are all here is to recite ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas. Okay, let’s start. Kevin, you first. Then Sarah, Mike, and Bernie.

MCCARTHY

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House, the Republicans were stirring, it even scared the mouse, The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, And St. Nick filled them with coal then disappeared in thin air.

SANDERS

How could he disappear in thin air? We’re talking the size of Moby Dick.

PALIN

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, Not my boy Track, he hit his dad over the head.

PENCE

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter, Trump had sent over a prostitute that chilled me to the bone, But the good Lord intervened and turned her into stone.

SANDERS

I, too, heard the noise and peaked out my window, it was St. Nick, And watching that fat man stuck in my neighbor’s chimney made me sick.

MCCARTHY

And he shouted to his reindeer and called them by name: Rudy Giuliani, Mark Meadows, Donald Trump, and Matt Gaetz, You sore losers tried to overthrow the government of the United States.

PALIN

St. Nick was dressed in all fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Ya know. Maybe he should ring the doorbell? It’s much easier.

SANDERS

Sarah Palin is nuts. She called for an uprising against David Letterman.

PALIN

You betcha. I’m going to take out my trusty rifle and blow a hole in Dave’s pants.

SANDERS

(continues reading) So St. Nick sprang to his sleigh and drove out of sight, Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Now can I sing I Have A Little Dreidel?

JERRY

Kevin McCarthy, Mike Pence, Sarah Palin, and Bernie Sanders. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.